My IRS Data Require Immediate Action? This must be BAD!

Does anyone know a good tax lawyer? I am clearly in hot water with the Internal Revenue Service, because the email I received this morning MUST be real. After all, it came from IRS.online.services@irs.gov, complete with the eloquent subject line, “Your IRS Data Require Immediate Action.”

Dear IRS User,

This is an Important Message regarding your IRS Filing, from previous year and current year.

Our system indicates you have some changes in your record and We will like you to Kindly follow the given instructions in order to comply with our new sytem requirements. To avoid future difficulty with IRS services.

By filling out the Taypayer’s information that only you and IRS know, you can feel even more secure with your yearly Tax payout, knowing all information is Up to date.

To Proceed, Please find attached HTML Web Page.

Download and Save it to your Device Desktop

Go to Device Desktop to open the HTML Web Page

Continue by Filling your Information

Failure to comply, IRS will leave your Information Flagged on the system which will lead to taking other actions toward your next Tax Filing..

Sincerely,

IRS Online Services

IRS user?

Way to randomly sprinkle uppercase words throughout the email.

What is a “sytem requirement?”

What is a “taypayer?”

I believe I will engage in “failure to comply” and take my chances.

Absolutely brutal Facebook Lottery spam email

If you fell for this, YES, I AM TALKING TO YOU!

Wow, I mean, are spammers even trying anymore? I don’t expect spam emails to follow the Chicago Manual of Style to the letter, but how about at least trying to at least slightly resemble English? This gem below, clearly unedited, was of the “Facebook Lottery” variety (for the love of God, people, there is NO SUCH THING as a Facebook Lottery):

From: info@aim.com
Reply-to: facebookwoldwide.lnc@gmail.com
Sent: 3/30/2014 4:15:55 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subj: FACEBOOK ONLINE LOTTERY PROGRAMME 2014, CONTACT E-mail: (facebooklottoworldwide.lnc@gmail.com)

FACEBOOK ONLINE LOTTERY PROGRAMME 2014

FROM: THE DESK OF THE PRESIDENT.

INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD.

BATCH NUMBER: 2551236002/244

SERIAL NUMBER. 55643451907

TICKET NUMBER: 5647600545189

CATEGORY: 2nd

Dear Winner ,

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual Final draws held on the (25th Of March 2014.) by Face book group in cash Promotion to encourage the usage of Face book world state dollars) each on the Face book group promotion Award Attached to ticket number (5647600545189) and Ref No (2551256002/244) Serial Number (55643451907).

The online draws was Conducted by a random selection of email you where picked by an Advanced automated random computer search from the Face book in other To claim your $600,000.00USD the lottery program which is a new innovation by Face book, is aimed at saying A BIG THANK YOU to all our users for making Face book their number one means to connect, communicate,relate and hook up with their families and friends over the years.

This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants and Scam artists All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 20,000 companies’ and 30,000,000 individuals’ email addresses and names from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three years.You have to be Rest assured that this is Real and Legal..and there are Some Scam artists around…Thanks to the FBI…216 of them have been arrested… The software corporation to encourage some few individuals with web site and email addresses promoted this lottery.

Your name was selected in a raffle that was made on the 28th Of March 2014. so we need your fast response so that we can proceed with the delivery of your fund .You are required to contact our payment dept via e-mail:

E-mail: facebooklottoworldwide.lnc@gmail.com

Phone: +1 (301) 678-9083

With information below in order for us to complete your winning certificate and for further information regarding the disbursement of your lottery win.

FULL NAME:

FULL CONTACT ADDRESS:

MOBILE PHONE NUMBER:

OCCUPATION:

MARITAL STATUS AND AGE :

NATIONALITY / COUNTRY:

TICKET NUMBER:

YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS:

REF NUMBER:

SERIAL NUMBER:

you can also contact the FBI Agent in person for more information and advise and give him your number so he can call or text you.

Email: investigation.onlineoffice@gmail.com

Remember all winnings must be claimed not later than 20 of April 2014. After this date, all unclaimed funds will be included in the next stake. To avoid unnecessary delays and complications please remember to quote your

reference and batch numbers in all correspondences. Furthermore, if there is any change in email address please contact us on time To enable him issue you certificate of winning Accept my hearty congratulations once again.

CONGRATULATIONS ONCE AGAIN FROM FACE BOOK!!!!

APPROVED AND SIGNED

I mean, where do I start with the mistakes, obvious red flags, and blatant stupidity in this one?

• The reply to email is facebookwoldwide.lnc@gmail.com. What does “woldwide” mean?
• From the desk of the president? Facebook doesn’t HAVE a president. The two top executives in the company are Mark Zuckerberg (CEO) and Sheryl Sandberg (COO).
• It’s Facebook, not Face book.
• “You have to be Rest assured that this is Real and Legal..and there are Some Scam artists around…Thanks to the FBI…216 of them have been arrested…” I hope this asshole is No. 217. Is that sentence even English?
• Why are you asking for an email address? You obviously HAVE the fucking email address. I got an email, didn’t I?
• “you can also contact the FBI Agent in person for more information and advise and give him your number so he can call or text you.” Even if a Facebook Lottery DID exist, what role, exactly, would the FBI play in it?

If anyone fell for this, they should never be allowed to use a computer, cell phone, tablet, or oxygen again.

Apple announces new iPhone models; I get Apple-related spam

One of the many clever, resourceful spammers out there decided to take advantage of Apple’s announcement of its new iPhone 5S and iPhone 5C by sending the awful attempt at an Apple email forgery below.

But it must be official, since the sending of this email applies when the expiration date of your account happens to term.

What in the fuck?

But it’s from “The Apple Customer Assistance,” so it’s clearly legit.

I hate people.

Dennis should have stayed out of Spain

Old-school spam is coming back with a vengeance, which does not give me much hope for society, since it means that people are still stupid enough to fall for crap like this (unedited, as always):

I’m sorry for this odd request because it might get to you too urgent but it’s because of the situation of things right now:

I am stuck in Spain with my family. we came here for a short Vacation and got ROBBED last night; Cash, phones and other valuables were stolen. It was crazy and very terrifying. The authorities are not being 100% supportive but the good thing is i still have my passport and flight leaves today but I’m having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won’t let me leave until i settle the bills.

Please I need you to loan me some CASH. I will reimburse you as soon as I’m back home, you have my words

Thanks

Dennis

Well, Dennis, you are shit out of luck for the following reasons:

• I don’t know anyone named Dennis.
• Your request got to me too urgent, but I really don’t give a shit.
• I hope the authorities who bust you for spamming are even less supported. In fact, I hope they taze you until smoke is coming out of your ass.
• “Having your words” could not possibly mean less to me. The only place your words are going is the spam folder.

For the love of God, people, STOP FALLING FOR SHIT LIKE THIS! If it didn’t still work, these miscreants wouldn’t still be sending it out.

Run! It’s an Earthquack!

EARTHQUACK!

The anonymous tips box for the blog I work on just unearthed its dumbest gem yet. I swear, I am not making any of these up, and I did not edit a single character:

I think to save the Nuclear Power Plant in Future in accudent of Earthquack or Tsunami to creat the undergroung Mega Pipe Line from Sea of Water & That Mega Pipe Line attach to that Nuclear Power Project & which these system creat at that time the will be use for the cooling for Nuclear temperature. These mega pipe line built up as a fountain & save the lIVELYHOOD energy & Earth.

I have a vision in my head of Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction pointing his gun at this person and yelling, “ENGLISH, mother FUCKER, do you SPEAK IT?” I’d be careful of that Earthquack, though. It may walk like a duck and talk like a duck, but it will most definitely fuck you up. And it won’t be an accudent.

Spammers are out of fresh ideas, so they’re going old-school

DUH!

As I mentioned in an earlier blog post, since mid-January, spam has been completely out of control both on my personal and work e-mail addresses. And now it’s going retro. Check out this ol’ gag (unedited, as always):

How’s your day going? I hope things are going well. Please I need you to help me out with something. Can I get a loan from you urgently? I`ll reimburse you under a week, I promise. I need to solve some personal problems at hand which have been giving me worries. I’d also prefer if we discuss this through email as I’m presently in England for a friend’s funeral. I’m sorry if I didn’t inform you about it, but please try and understand. I had to leave in a hurry on-hearing that the date of her burial was re-scheduled & it seems I can’t access my credit card & bank here in London. I`ll let you know how much I need if you are willing to assist me.

Thanks,

Joel

Seriously? If anyone falls for this, they should be taken to a public gathering place and beaten with clubs. No, Joel, I am not willing to assist you, unless it involves shoving you off a very high ledge.

Spamuary? Spamapocalypse?

I’m wondering if anyone else has noticed this. Since right around the middle of January, probably around the 13^th, the level of spam e-mails and solicitation phone calls I have received has simply skyrocketed. I know the economy sucks, and desperate times call for desperate measures, but y’all are targeting the wrong person. Fuck off: I haven’t had a full-time job in more than two years and, even if I had extra money, you’re not getting it.

SPAM BE GONE

The spam folder in my e-mail account, which stores messages for one week before deleting them, usually has 70-80 e-mails in it. That number has been rising steadily, and the folder currently contains 183 pathetic attempts at trying to sell products nobody wants or scam credit-card or banking information.

And the phone calls have been getting ridiculous. It seems that my good friends at Peconic Bay Marketing have finally received the message (or lack thereof) and realized that if I hadn’t picked up the phone in nearly two years, it wasn’t going to happen. Or, the bastards could have altered what appears on caller ID, but, in any event, not seeing the name Peconic Bay Marketing on my phone brings a smile to my face for a small victory won.

However, Peconic Bay Marketing has been replaced by these particularly persistent fuckers who have been calling me two to three times a day, every single day:

The phone just doesn't stop ...

(760) 526-8572: According to 800notes Directory of Unknown Callers, people who have been unlucky enough to answer the phone have listened to a variety of scams, including an offer to relist business phone numbers on AT&T and the old “you have won a gift certificate” gag. SURE I’ll give you my credit-card information! In fact, one potential victim reported that the person on the other end of the line told them AT&T was taking over Verizon, and they had to switch all of their Verizon accounts over to AT&T. I’m sure Verizon was thrilled with this news.

(506) 151-3391: Again via 800notes Directory of Unknown Callers, this rocket scientist is calling about “continuing your education,” and, in the words of one poster, was guilty of “VERY poor communication skills, language skills, and poor line quality.” Perhaps this person should stop trying to scam people and continue his OWN education. But I suppose that would require effort.

Someone commented on my previous rant about Peconic Bay Marketing, asking why I didn’t just pick up the phone and demand that they stop calling. Well, I have two reasons. One of them is that I feel like being a stubborn prick about it. I didn’t ask for these phone calls, so I don’t feel like I should waste one second of my time dealing with them (yes, this blog entry took more than one second, but it was fun, damn it). The second is that I believe most of these enterprises are connected, and I don’t want them to think they can ever reach me at home, but hey, if they want to keep wasting their resources, go right ahead. You will never get one bit of information or one fraction of a penny out of me, but feel free to keep trying!

Dōmo arigatō, Mr. Roboto

Funny, I was just thinking of importing a cleaning robot. And if one were to import a cleaning robot, one would be foolish to turn to any company other than Ningbo Huihuang Intelligent Technology Co. Ltd. That’s just good old-fashioned common sense.

My e-mail account for my part-time blogging job contained this disaster earlier this evening (unedited, naturally):

NINGBO HUIHUANG INTELLIGENT TECHNOLOGY CO., LTD

No. 13,Zhushan North Road Ninghai Tech Industrial Zone, Ningbo China

Tel: 86-0574-65358808-8663   Fax:86-0574-65358800

Email:linxiaoqing0923ok@gmail.com

Jan 05, 2011

Dear sir or madam,

We have obtained your name and address from the website, we understand that you are interested in importing cleaning robot. So we are writing to you in the hope of establishing business relations with you.

Ningbo HuiHuang Intelligent Technology Co.,ltd. built its business in Mechanical and Electrical products.H8818 cleaning robot is the intelligent product developed by our company. It looks beautiful, and has functions of auto cleaning, avoid dropping from the stairs and table, avoid hitting the furniture and vases, and UV light and ozone generator take the responsibility of killing bacteria and viruses on the floor. Our products sold well at home and abroad, and have obtained praise from widespread users.

If you are interested in our products, welcome to your inquiry! And I will provide some other information to you! We assure you of our close cooperation at all times in the future, I am looking forward to your early reply!

http://www.ok-robot.com/

http://www.globalsources.com/nbhuihuang.co

Yours faithfully,

Kelly

I was hoping for something that looked more like Rosie from The Jetsons, but hey, the H8818 will do just fine!

Rosie!

Where were all these chicks when I was single?

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

I’m sensing a theme in the 1990s-style spam messages that have suddenly begun to infiltrate my work e-mail address. Apparently, love conquers all, despite color or age.

This doozy from “tessy” a couple of weeks ago was followed up this morning by the following declaration of love from a lass “from Dakar Senegal.” Enjoy the unedited version:

Hello My name is Christanne Lama from Dakar Senegal I have interest on you, It give me a great pleasure to write you, I will also like to know you more, and if you can send an email to my email address, I will give you my pictures and tell you more about me. I believe we can move from here! Waiting for your mail to my email address above.(Remember the distance, Color or age does not matter but love matters allot in life)Miss Lama

Um, yeah.

Old-school spam

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

I received a spam e-mail on my work account today that harkened back to the typical spam messages of the mid-1990s, when I first joined the online world with my brand-spanking-new AOL account and was pondering whether I needed a CompuServe account, as well, until opening a Netcom account became the more viable solution.

Seriously, this is old-school spam. I haven’t gotten a message like this in about 15 years. I think stuff like this predates the Nigerian banking scheme.

For your reading pleasure, absolutely unedited:

Interested in you,
Hello Dear, I just came across your  and love
to write to you. Am tessy by name, i am really interested
in you for serious long term relationship. Please i will
like to have a serious discussion with you,please contact
me in my email  contact me so that
i will send to you my picture to know who i am. Remember
distance or color does not matter but true love matters a
lot in life.
Yours Love Tessy

WTF?