Run! It’s an Earthquack!

EARTHQUACK!

The anonymous tips box for the blog I work on just unearthed its dumbest gem yet. I swear, I am not making any of these up, and I did not edit a single character:

I think to save the Nuclear Power Plant in Future in accudent of Earthquack or Tsunami to creat the undergroung Mega Pipe Line from Sea of Water & That Mega Pipe Line attach to that Nuclear Power Project & which these system creat at that time the will be use for the cooling for Nuclear temperature. These mega pipe line built up as a fountain & save the lIVELYHOOD energy & Earth.

I have a vision in my head of Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction pointing his gun at this person and yelling, “ENGLISH, mother FUCKER, do you SPEAK IT?” I’d be careful of that Earthquack, though. It may walk like a duck and talk like a duck, but it will most definitely fuck you up. And it won’t be an accudent.

The anonymous tips box: the gift that just keeps on giving

dumb ass ...

This afternoon, I received yet another nugget of stupidity via the anonymous tips box on my professional blog. This one is a real winner. Unedited, as always:

I would like to fine some lacks made in the USA. How do do fine the clothing made in USA/ I shop on the internet because I am simi handcapped.

Perhaps you should “fine” a clue, which you obviously “lacks.” I write for a blog that covers the media industry and its use of social media and Web 2.0. This isn’t Nordstrom’s, and I am not your personal shopper. “How do do fine the clothing made in USA?” Why don’t you try to “do do fine” fucking Google first, jackass? You may be “simi handcapped,” but you are 100% stupid. Go bother someone else.

Another moron who doesn’t understand the concept of an email tip button on a blog

The stupidity continues. For some reason, people think that the anonymous tip inbox on the blog I work for gives them a direct pipeline to whoever can fulfill their desires. This gem came in last night (unedited, as always):

please give me fb credits

No. I will not give you Facebook Credits. Even if I had the means to give you Facebook Credits, which I clearly do not, you are a moron and don’t deserve Facebook Credits. Go find a fire, and die in it.

You are writing the editors of a blog, jackasses. This is not Facebook. This is not the government, including President Obama. Cris Collinsworth does not work here.

I really hope none of the people who send emails like this actually procreate. There are enough brain-dead idiots in this world.

Damn those law makers in WAshington

Please follow the advice, k? Thx!

I received yet another gem in my always amusing anonymous tip inbox for the blog I actually get paid to write. As always, unedited:

could you please ask those law makers in WAshington. Why they don’t take a pay cut they sure want everyone else to tighten their belts, they get healthcare the rest of their lives and a big pension ,. so, if we have to cut “Why don’t they?”

The last time I checked, the word “personal secretary” does not appear in the job description for “blogger.” If you want to contact “those law makers in WAshington,” do it yourself, ass hat, and stay out of our anonymous tip box or I’ll hunt you down and feed you your keyboard and mouse.

People get dumber by the second, I swear.

Bringing your massege to OBAMA ASAP

My head hurts ...

The “send an anonymous tip” e-mail feature for the blog I’ve been working on delivered another gem this weekend. Unedited:

Iam proud to be Egyptian Canadian and would like to address my opinion in Egyptian crisis in order to stop violence in Egypt Right now so I have massege to OBAMA how to del with the current situation THX

First off, what makes you think a blog that covers how media companies are using social media and other Web 2.0 technology has a direct pipeline to the president of the United States?

Second, if I did, no offense, but getting myself a full-time job would be Nos. 1-999 on my priority list. I don’t mean to trivialize or minimize the turmoil going on in Egypt. Many people are dying every day, and much damage is being done to the country. But you might want to bring your “massege” to someone who could actually do something with it, in the unlikely event that it actually contains anything useful.

I swear, for every useful e-mail that comes in via that tip button, I get about 500 like the one above. People are morons.

Anonymous tips from the psycho ward

The blog I have been working on for nearly a year-and-a-half (not this blog, which is strictly for fun, therapy and venting) features a box that lets readers “send an anonymous tip.” I’m really beginning to question the usefulness of this feature, as the amount of useless garbage that enters my work e-mail address through this link is expanding exponentially.

I wish I could enable this feature!

To be fair, over the past 17 months or so, I’ve probably gotten about five good items for the blog as a direct result of the tip box. While the ratio of useful to useless may not be great, those were five decent items that I may or may not have come across on my own.

Some of the spam has been offbeat, some has been totally wacko, and some has just been, well, special, as in “short yellow bus” special.

My personal favorite may be the person who hates NBC Sports analyst Cris Collinsworth so much that he or she is now apparently convinced that the tip box for the blog is the former NFL wide receiver’s direct e-mail address. Samples (unedited for your amusement):

Sunday, Oct. 17, 9:48 p.m. ET: chris sucks serious balls. he should be fired. I know retards who know more about football then this dumb shit.

Sunday, Nov. 21, 10:30 p.m. ET: Cris, I am currently watching the Eagles and Giants game and listening to your commentary regarding the helmet to conact that rendered the Eagles’ player injured. It sounds like you are justifying this hit as being legal while the hit that Samuels delievered which was merely incidental (because he did lead with his shoulder). was made a big deal of by you. You appear to be very biased in your commentary and quite annoying too. I am going to monitor you very closely and if this continues I will call you out in a way that will put your career in jeapardize. Be fair or beware.

Sunday, Nov. 21, 10:32 p.m. ET: The Man’s Name Is MICHAEL (not mike) VICK!

Sunday, Nov. 21, 10:33 p.m. ET: Thank’s for the Mute Button! Tired of your mike Vick… IT’s either MICHAEL VICK or VICK! period

Sunday, Nov. 28, 9:36 p.m. ET: Please stop over analyzing things…You are defintely not living up to John Madden standards…its geting to the point that I turn the radio on that the TV volume down!!!!

I personally am pretty neutral on Collinsworth. I don’t think he does anything spectacular, but he also hasn’t done anything to make me shake my head while watching Sunday Night Football on NBC. Joe Buck, on the other hand, irritates me every single time he calls a game I watch. But as for this wacko: First off, what makes you think the tip box on a blog that covers the media industry’s use of social media is a direct pipeline to Cris Collinsworth? You are a true moron. And even if Collinsworth did have the misfortune of reading some of this drivel, I’m sure he wouldn’t be panicking about you putting his “career in jeopardize.” Wow.

Another genius, although not quite as demented as the Collinsworth hater, apparently thinks the blog’s tip box is a secret entry to Conan O’Brien’s e-mail.

Thursday, Oct. 21, 3:56 p.m. ET: Conan stay away from politics bios your awesome with out it

Um, OK.

And because who doesn’t enjoy a good conspiracy theory, even when it’s backed up with nothing resembling evidence, I bring you this gem:

Friday, Oct. 15, 1:44 p.m.: hong kong secretly clones 2 old time residents & replaces them in the city with their artificial human clones since may, 2010. no investigation being done for the 2 original human beings. family member constantly being watched so does not get the proper help in this regard.

I want to believe. Really, I do. OK, I don’t.

The religious fanatics contribute, as well, and brevity is apparently not part of Islam, or at least this person’s interpretation of it:

Tuesday, Nov. 9, 9:54 a.m.: The Islamic Govts and all other islamic organisations in the world failed to notice that Christians are not arrogant and amongst them are priest and monks according to the Quranic verse 5: 82.In the absence of the same ,there is no peace between the 2 largest population of the world. Once the Holy Quran recognized Christianity , then no Christian can criticize that Islamic community is false or Satanic community. All the Muslims in the world are the followers of Our Prophets Jesus , Moses and Muhammad ( peace be upon them). We have no other intention except to spread the messages to all the communities in the world posted in our website www.goldenduas.com to promote harmony, peace and security of mankind in the world. The question of converting Christians and all other communities in the world into Islam does not arise on the reason that the Holy Quran banned compulsory conversion as per Quranic verse 2:256. The Christians in the world are service minded people, who work towards peace, research, etc. to serve public in the world and as such no one can act against Christianity in the world . Please check our homepage http://www.goldenduas.com. Please cooperate and advertise to all persons, to allow all the communities in the world to visit and download from our website http://www.goldenduas.com. in the interest of public peace, humanity, jobs, business, security, health and wealth of mankind in the world and oblige. With Kind Regards, Ibrahim Ali

Well, Mr. Ali, if you can explain what this rant has to do with the media industry, feel free. On second, thought, please don’t.

Here’s a fun one:

Tuesday, Oct. 19, 5:13 a.m. ET: hi, i want to miss you

Well, all righty, then. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

Another useless one:

Saturday, Nov. 27, 10:51 p.m. ET: pick me

I just did: I picked you to make fun of. Enjoy!

And my last one might be my personal favorite, even more so than the Collinsworth hater or Mr. Ali:

Saturday, Nov. 27, 11:18 a.m.: google

Google? Wow! What a cool new site! I’m so glad you pointed this out to me, because I’d never heard of it, and I’d clearly have never found it on my own. Thanks!

Maybe I’ll actually get a useful tip from the tip box one of these days, but the cynic (and realist) in me expects more crap like the examples I posted. I have a headache.