Adam Mansbach is my hero

I have a new favorite author: Adam Mansbach. If you’ve never heard of him, you have probably heard of his most popular book, and just never knew who wrote it. Mansbach captured the one sentence that surely goes through the minds of every parent, and that I have come to embrace over the past 10 weeks or so: Go the Fuck to Sleep.

Go the Fuck to Sleep

Everyone warned me about it, but until I actually became a parent, I never realized how every aspect of my life would be controlled by whether 0.9 has his eyes open or closed.

0.9 goes through days when he exhibits nothing resembling a desire to nap, and when evening strikes, the lack of sleep catches up to him, and he takes cranky to a new dimension. On days of that sort, the following activities have been frowned upon by Mrs. 9 at various points:

  • Watching the Yankees game with any sort of audible volume on the television
  • Cheering
  • Booing
  • Cursing
  • Burping
  • Sneezing
  • Coughing
  • Blowing my nose
  • Doing anything on the laptop that generates sound
  • Any noise coming out of my iPhone
  • Keeping my light on so I can read, despite the fact that I have been reading before going to sleep since I was only a little older than 0.9
  • Getting up to use the bathroom
  • Talking
  • Whispering
  • Breathing
  • Existing

Other than all of those, I am free to live a long and complete life.

Having said that, a sleeping 0.9 is preferable to a screaming, screeching, yowling, bawling 0.9, so adjustments are necessary.

Mansbach captured thoughts that every parent has expressed, albeit likely not audibly, including yours truly. And if the book itself doesn’t win you over, watch the video below and listen to Samuel L. Jackson narrate Go the Fuck to Sleep. This is a masterpiece.

Bravo, Adam Mansbach. At the suggestion of Mrs. 9, I now own a reading light, so I can enjoy Go the Fuck to Sleep many more times. Now if you’ll excuse me, 0.9 is sleeping, and you know what that means.

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Run! It’s an Earthquack!

EARTHQUACK!

The anonymous tips box for the blog I work on just unearthed its dumbest gem yet. I swear, I am not making any of these up, and I did not edit a single character:

I think to save the Nuclear Power Plant in Future in accudent of Earthquack or Tsunami to creat the undergroung Mega Pipe Line from Sea of Water & That Mega Pipe Line attach to that Nuclear Power Project & which these system creat at that time the will be use for the cooling for Nuclear temperature. These mega pipe line built up as a fountain & save the lIVELYHOOD energy & Earth.

I have a vision in my head of Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction pointing his gun at this person and yelling, “ENGLISH, mother FUCKER, do you SPEAK IT?” I’d be careful of that Earthquack, though. It may walk like a duck and talk like a duck, but it will most definitely fuck you up. And it won’t be an accudent.