The anonymous tips box: the gift that just keeps on giving

dumb ass ...

This afternoon, I received yet another nugget of stupidity via the anonymous tips box on my professional blog. This one is a real winner. Unedited, as always:

I would like to fine some lacks made in the USA. How do do fine the clothing made in USA/ I shop on the internet because I am simi handcapped.

Perhaps you should “fine” a clue, which you obviously “lacks.” I write for a blog that covers the media industry and its use of social media and Web 2.0. This isn’t Nordstrom’s, and I am not your personal shopper. “How do do fine the clothing made in USA?” Why don’t you try to “do do fine” fucking Google first, jackass? You may be “simi handcapped,” but you are 100% stupid. Go bother someone else.

Spammers are out of fresh ideas, so they’re going old-school


As I mentioned in an earlier blog post, since mid-January, spam has been completely out of control both on my personal and work e-mail addresses. And now it’s going retro. Check out this ol’ gag (unedited, as always):

How’s your day going? I hope things are going well. Please I need you to help me out with something. Can I get a loan from you urgently? I`ll reimburse you under a week, I promise. I need to solve some personal problems at hand which have been giving me worries. I’d also prefer if we discuss this through email as I’m presently in England for a friend’s funeral. I’m sorry if I didn’t inform you about it, but please try and understand. I had to leave in a hurry on-hearing that the date of her burial was re-scheduled & it seems I can’t access my credit card & bank here in London. I`ll let you know how much I need if you are willing to assist me.



Seriously? If anyone falls for this, they should be taken to a public gathering place and beaten with clubs. No, Joel, I am not willing to assist you, unless it involves shoving you off a very high ledge.

Another moron who doesn’t understand the concept of an email tip button on a blog

The stupidity continues. For some reason, people think that the anonymous tip inbox on the blog I work for gives them a direct pipeline to whoever can fulfill their desires. This gem came in last night (unedited, as always):

please give me fb credits

No. I will not give you Facebook Credits. Even if I had the means to give you Facebook Credits, which I clearly do not, you are a moron and don’t deserve Facebook Credits. Go find a fire, and die in it.

You are writing the editors of a blog, jackasses. This is not Facebook. This is not the government, including President Obama. Cris Collinsworth does not work here.

I really hope none of the people who send emails like this actually procreate. There are enough brain-dead idiots in this world.

Bringing your massege to OBAMA ASAP

My head hurts ...

The “send an anonymous tip” e-mail feature for the blog I’ve been working on delivered another gem this weekend. Unedited:

Iam proud to be Egyptian Canadian and would like to address my opinion in Egyptian crisis in order to stop violence in Egypt Right now so I have massege to OBAMA how to del with the current situation THX

First off, what makes you think a blog that covers how media companies are using social media and other Web 2.0 technology has a direct pipeline to the president of the United States?

Second, if I did, no offense, but getting myself a full-time job would be Nos. 1-999 on my priority list. I don’t mean to trivialize or minimize the turmoil going on in Egypt. Many people are dying every day, and much damage is being done to the country. But you might want to bring your “massege” to someone who could actually do something with it, in the unlikely event that it actually contains anything useful.

I swear, for every useful e-mail that comes in via that tip button, I get about 500 like the one above. People are morons.

Dōmo arigatō, Mr. Roboto

Funny, I was just thinking of importing a cleaning robot. And if one were to import a cleaning robot, one would be foolish to turn to any company other than Ningbo Huihuang Intelligent Technology Co. Ltd. That’s just good old-fashioned common sense.

My e-mail account for my part-time blogging job contained this disaster earlier this evening (unedited, naturally):


No. 13,Zhushan North Road Ninghai Tech Industrial Zone, Ningbo China

Tel: 86-0574-65358808-8663   Fax:86-0574-65358800

Jan 05, 2011

Dear sir or madam,

We have obtained your name and address from the website, we understand that you are interested in importing cleaning robot. So we are writing to you in the hope of establishing business relations with you.

Ningbo HuiHuang Intelligent Technology Co.,ltd. built its business in Mechanical and Electrical products.H8818 cleaning robot is the intelligent product developed by our company. It looks beautiful, and has functions of auto cleaning, avoid dropping from the stairs and table, avoid hitting the furniture and vases, and UV light and ozone generator take the responsibility of killing bacteria and viruses on the floor. Our products sold well at home and abroad, and have obtained praise from widespread users.

If you are interested in our products, welcome to your inquiry! And I will provide some other information to you! We assure you of our close cooperation at all times in the future, I am looking forward to your early reply!

Yours faithfully,


I was hoping for something that looked more like Rosie from The Jetsons, but hey, the H8818 will do just fine!


If you’re going to e-mail a press release after 5 p.m. on a Friday …

This pretty much sums it up ...

… how about making sure it’s something people actually give a shit about? The weekend starts at 5 p.m. on Friday. If I’m going to interrupt my weekend to do work, it had damn well better be important work. And if it’s not important, it’s getting ignored, and you probably would have been much better off e-mailing it at 8 a.m. Monday.

These are examples of stories that are worth publicizing after 5 p.m. on a Friday:

Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg is holding several hostages at gunpoint at Columbia Pictures and demanding that The Social Network be revised to include him getting laid a lot more.

Microsoft reached agreements to acquire AOL, Yahoo! and Google.

Users trying to access Twitter were greeted with a graphic displaying a big hand giving the middle finger.

These are examples of stories that offer no inspiration whatsoever and will likely never see the light of day:

Low-level personnel announcements, especially at low-level companies: Once the weekend starts, I honestly don’t give a shit if Carson City Online hired an assistant account manager for the Reno area.

Announcements about D-level celebrities: Once I have a cocktail in my hand, the news that Larry Wilcox, who starred opposite Erik Estrada in CHiPs, will be speaking to your assistant gardening editor does absolutely nothing for me.

Meaningless statistics: No one cares that your website logged the 21st most monthly page views in its history. No one cares about this at any time of any day, much less after 5 p.m. on Friday.

The moral of the story: Once the weekend arrives, please think before you e-mail, or your “news” will end up in the SPAM folder.

Where were all these chicks when I was single?


I’m sensing a theme in the 1990s-style spam messages that have suddenly begun to infiltrate my work e-mail address. Apparently, love conquers all, despite color or age.

This doozy from “tessy” a couple of weeks ago was followed up this morning by the following declaration of love from a lass “from Dakar Senegal.” Enjoy the unedited version:

Hello My name is Christanne Lama from Dakar Senegal I have interest on you, It give me a great pleasure to write you, I will also like to know you more, and if you can send an email to my email address, I will give you my pictures and tell you more about me. I believe we can move from here! Waiting for your mail to my email address above.(Remember the distance, Color or age does not matter but love matters allot in life)Miss Lama

Um, yeah.

Old-school spam


I received a spam e-mail on my work account today that harkened back to the typical spam messages of the mid-1990s, when I first joined the online world with my brand-spanking-new AOL account and was pondering whether I needed a CompuServe account, as well, until opening a Netcom account became the more viable solution.

Seriously, this is old-school spam. I haven’t gotten a message like this in about 15 years. I think stuff like this predates the Nigerian banking scheme.

For your reading pleasure, absolutely unedited:

Interested in you,
Hello Dear, I just came across your  and love
to write to you. Am tessy by name, i am really interested
in you for serious long term relationship. Please i will
like to have a serious discussion with you,please contact
me in my email  contact me so that
i will send to you my picture to know who i am. Remember
distance or color does not matter but true love matters a
lot in life.
Yours Love Tessy


Maybe he meant the Twitter Fire Hose?

I got the following e-mail at the address I use for my part-time blogging position. The blog is about how media companies use social-networking sites, and related trends and topics. So naturally, I have yards aplenty of fire hose to sell. The picture was actually attached with the e-mail. People are really fucking dumb. The unedited e-mail:

Mr. Jay lee wants THIS fire hose!

Good Day,

Am Mr. Jay lee and i will like to buy your Fire Hose i have Attached the picture of the item i need before purchasing it,I will like to know if you have it in stock and if you dont i will be glad if you list the types that you have including their prices…Moreover i will like to know the type of paymnet you accept…Hope to hear from you soon…

Jay lee.

Don’t hold your breath, Jay lee, or you may need a paramedic instead of a fire hose. Moron.