Dunkin Donuts tuna sandwich: Who thought this was a good idea?

Dunkin Donuts came out with a foul-looking tuna sandwich in early November and, at least around Hoboken, the company has been promoting the hell out of it. It seems like two-thirds of the billboards on roads around Hoboken are advertisements for this vulgar creation. And I don’t understand it for the life of me.

Dunkin Donuts tuna sandwichA disclaimer: I hate tuna. I like tuna steaks and sushi tuna, but canned tuna never did it for me. Yum yum Bumble Bee, Bumble Bee Tuna? My ass. And even though Jessica Simpson may be one of the biggest dimwits on the planet, and she thought Chicken of the Sea was actually chicken, and not tuna, she and I are in agreement about not having any desire to eat it.

So why is Dunkin Donuts running ads everywhere with a picture that makes its tuna look just as bad as canned tuna, if not worse? News flash: The food is supposed to look better in the ad, not worse. If someone ever served me a Big Mac or a Whopper that looked like the ones in the respective ads from McDonald’s and Burger King, I might pass out from happiness. Yet Dunkin Donuts is using this picture that doesn’t look the least bit appetizing, and I don’t understand it.

I’m guessing that Dunkin Donuts is trying to make inroads into lunch and not being knows only for breakfast, but tuna? And foul-looking tuna, at that?

I keep waiting for this monstrosity to disappear, but it’s still around. Let me get this straight: Dunkin Donuts offers delicious, fantastic pumpkin iced coffee for a limited time only (it was pulled on Thanksgiving Day), but cat food on a bagel will be around forever? Why?

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Unseasonably warm

I love surprise good-weather days like today. It’s not often that you wake up in early February and hear 61 degrees, unless the heat in your apartment is on the fritz.

bacon, egg and cheese on waffle

Dunkin' Donuts: bacon, egg and cheese on waffle

I generally can’t stay indoors on a day as nice as today, and I was feeling guilt after having the new Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast sandwich — bacon, egg and cheese on a waffle — so I got on my new bike and headed out for a ride.

I quickly discovered a few things. For one, my bike is in far better shape than I’m in. Also, while I love beach cruisers, they sort of suck when going uphill. It’s a very, very heavy bike and it takes a lot of work to navigate even short hills.

My bike

My bike

Still, it was great to get out there, get some exercise and fresh air and enjoy the sights of Pier A in Hoboken, both of the canine variety and the female human variety.

Even though it was only one day, going back to the normal cold weather of February will be very, very tough.

Unemployment Nine: What I’ve learned

I’ve been unemployed for a little over three months now and, with more and more people unfortunately joining me, I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned in the hopes of being helpful.

• No matter how productive I’ve tried to be, there’s only so much that can be done, and this results in lots of free time. This can be good, but it can also be bad, because I’ve started to second-guess myself and wonder if there are more productive things I could be doing. When it comes down to it, you can only check the job sites so many times without driving yourself crazy. One thing that I’ve found to be very helpful: If I have a few errands to run, I’ve tried to space them out over a few days instead of doing everything Monday, then sitting around the house the rest of the week. It definitely helps to get out of the house at least once a day and do something. Staring at the PC all day isn’t good, whether it’s monster.com, Facebook Scrabble or YouTube.

• I obviously desperately want a job, but I’m worried about two habits I’ve developed that will have to disappear quickly once I’m hired. The first is waking up to feed the cats anytime between 6:30 a.m. and 7:30 a.m., then going back to sleep until around 10 a.m. or 10:30 a.m. There will obviously be no option to go back to sleep once I’m working. The second is spending the majority of the day in sweatpants or flannel lounge pants. Most offices aren’t quite so tolerant of that sort of attire.

• I never realized this when I was on the other side, but hearing people complain about their jobs while I don’t have one is maddening. I don’t take it personally and I know it’s not meant in a harmful way — jobs are part of everyday life, and it’s natural for the conversation to turn to them. But, as scary as it sounds, I actually miss some of the things that used to annoy the hell out of me. And when I finally do escape this exile, I will try my best to remember to not bitch and moan about my job in front of those who haven’t escaped yet.

• Living a block-and-a-half from a Dunkin’ Donuts is dangerous. It’s not quite as dangerous as living a block-and-a-half from Wendy’s, White Castle or White Mana would be — I’d surely be pushing 400 pounds by now — but it’s dangerous.

• Facebook in general and Facebook Scrabble in particular are highly addicting. I’ve learned so many Scrabble tricks and words I never knew existed that bail you out of a tough Scrabble situation and earn you big-time points. Until I started playing Facebook Scrabble, I never knew the words xi, za or zee existed, but they’re among my favorites now, even though I don’t know what they mean, because they’ve won games for me. I may even look up their definitions and try to work them into conversations one of these days.

• Random play on iTunes may be the greatest invention of all-time. It’s definitely in the top 10. Sliced bread is overrated.

• Cats really do sleep all day. Once the novelty of having their human home during the day wore off, which took about two days, I became more of annoyance to them than company. There’s nothing like getting a phone call or e-mail, only to receive a dirty look from the cat who was roused by the sound of the phone or the PC. The other day, one of my cats buried herself under a throw blanket at around 10:30 a.m. and didn’t come out until after 5 p.m. I actually poked her once every hour just to be sure she was breathing. I am the proud owner of two lazy sacks of fur.

I’m seriously ready for this to end, now.

How to give your car a lovely cinnamon smell

1) Leave Hoboken and stop at the Exxon/Dunkin Donuts on Jersey Ave.

2) Purchase a large iced coffee, cinnamon flavor, from Dunkin Donuts.

3) Take Route 1/9 South, toward Newark Airport, and choose the Pulaski Skyway option.

4) Get caught behind a moron driving a van at 45 miles per hour in the left lane, leading to a clusterfuck of cars attempting to pass the offending van from the right lane.

5) Come around a curve while accelerating, only to see a Cablevision van at a dead stop in the right lane with its flashers on.

6) Slam on the brakes, coming to a stop slightly more than one yard from the van. In the process, be sure the cup containing the cinnamon iced coffee flies out of the cup holder, crashes into the windshield and erupts, spilling cinnamon coffee and ice throughout the vehicle.

7) Wait until heart rate slows from four times normal level, call Cablevision van driver every word of profanity in your vocabulary, and proceed south on Route 1/9.

9) Repeat as necessary (or hopefully never again).

Yes, I know, there’s no step No. 8, but I’m a little fahklempt.

A mystery breakfast gone awry

For a number of reasons, I decided it would be beneficial to have a productive Saturday, rather than imitating my two cats and doing nothing but lying on the bed or couch and occasionally stretching or scratching.

So, why not take advantage of the fact that I live a block-and-a-half from a Dunkin Donuts? Since my PC takes about 20 minutes to boot anyway, I threw on sweatpants and a hat and took a walk to fetch breakfast.

I’m an iced-coffee addict, so I figured I’d start my day with a large iced cinnamon; sausage, egg and cheese on an English muffin; and a glazed donut.

In the words of the great Meat Loaf, “Two out of three ain’t bad.” And if anyone knows about breakfast, it’s Meat Loaf.

When I got back upstairs, my PC was actually ready to go, so I fired up a couple of applications and unwrapped my sausage, egg and cheese on an English muffin. Only it wasn’t a sausage, egg and cheese on an English muffin. It was something quite unsatisfying, to say the least: a salt bagel with cream cheese.

At the risk of offending any salt-bagel aficionados who might come across this blog, YUCK. Seriously, who eats these things? One might yell at me for being too lazy to walk back to Dunkin Donuts and exchange the sandwich, and one would be dead-balls accurate on that front, but that was seriously one of the worst sandwiches I’ve ever had. It’s been one hour, one large iced coffee and one large Solo cup of water later, and I still have the taste of salt in my mouth. Foul.

So I guess the moral of the story is: Check your sandwich before leaving the establishment.

Unless someone can teach me how to say, “Sausage, egg and cheese on an English muffin” in Hindi.