Anonymous tips from the psycho ward

The blog I have been working on for nearly a year-and-a-half (not this blog, which is strictly for fun, therapy and venting) features a box that lets readers “send an anonymous tip.” I’m really beginning to question the usefulness of this feature, as the amount of useless garbage that enters my work e-mail address through this link is expanding exponentially.

I wish I could enable this feature!

To be fair, over the past 17 months or so, I’ve probably gotten about five good items for the blog as a direct result of the tip box. While the ratio of useful to useless may not be great, those were five decent items that I may or may not have come across on my own.

Some of the spam has been offbeat, some has been totally wacko, and some has just been, well, special, as in “short yellow bus” special.

My personal favorite may be the person who hates NBC Sports analyst Cris Collinsworth so much that he or she is now apparently convinced that the tip box for the blog is the former NFL wide receiver’s direct e-mail address. Samples (unedited for your amusement):

Sunday, Oct. 17, 9:48 p.m. ET: chris sucks serious balls. he should be fired. I know retards who know more about football then this dumb shit.

Sunday, Nov. 21, 10:30 p.m. ET: Cris, I am currently watching the Eagles and Giants game and listening to your commentary regarding the helmet to conact that rendered the Eagles’ player injured. It sounds like you are justifying this hit as being legal while the hit that Samuels delievered which was merely incidental (because he did lead with his shoulder). was made a big deal of by you. You appear to be very biased in your commentary and quite annoying too. I am going to monitor you very closely and if this continues I will call you out in a way that will put your career in jeapardize. Be fair or beware.

Sunday, Nov. 21, 10:32 p.m. ET: The Man’s Name Is MICHAEL (not mike) VICK!

Sunday, Nov. 21, 10:33 p.m. ET: Thank’s for the Mute Button! Tired of your mike Vick… IT’s either MICHAEL VICK or VICK! period

Sunday, Nov. 28, 9:36 p.m. ET: Please stop over analyzing things…You are defintely not living up to John Madden standards…its geting to the point that I turn the radio on that the TV volume down!!!!

I personally am pretty neutral on Collinsworth. I don’t think he does anything spectacular, but he also hasn’t done anything to make me shake my head while watching Sunday Night Football on NBC. Joe Buck, on the other hand, irritates me every single time he calls a game I watch. But as for this wacko: First off, what makes you think the tip box on a blog that covers the media industry’s use of social media is a direct pipeline to Cris Collinsworth? You are a true moron. And even if Collinsworth did have the misfortune of reading some of this drivel, I’m sure he wouldn’t be panicking about you putting his “career in jeopardize.” Wow.

Another genius, although not quite as demented as the Collinsworth hater, apparently thinks the blog’s tip box is a secret entry to Conan O’Brien’s e-mail.

Thursday, Oct. 21, 3:56 p.m. ET: Conan stay away from politics bios your awesome with out it

Um, OK.

And because who doesn’t enjoy a good conspiracy theory, even when it’s backed up with nothing resembling evidence, I bring you this gem:

Friday, Oct. 15, 1:44 p.m.: hong kong secretly clones 2 old time residents & replaces them in the city with their artificial human clones since may, 2010. no investigation being done for the 2 original human beings. family member constantly being watched so does not get the proper help in this regard.

I want to believe. Really, I do. OK, I don’t.

The religious fanatics contribute, as well, and brevity is apparently not part of Islam, or at least this person’s interpretation of it:

Tuesday, Nov. 9, 9:54 a.m.: The Islamic Govts and all other islamic organisations in the world failed to notice that Christians are not arrogant and amongst them are priest and monks according to the Quranic verse 5: 82.In the absence of the same ,there is no peace between the 2 largest population of the world. Once the Holy Quran recognized Christianity , then no Christian can criticize that Islamic community is false or Satanic community. All the Muslims in the world are the followers of Our Prophets Jesus , Moses and Muhammad ( peace be upon them). We have no other intention except to spread the messages to all the communities in the world posted in our website to promote harmony, peace and security of mankind in the world. The question of converting Christians and all other communities in the world into Islam does not arise on the reason that the Holy Quran banned compulsory conversion as per Quranic verse 2:256. The Christians in the world are service minded people, who work towards peace, research, etc. to serve public in the world and as such no one can act against Christianity in the world . Please check our homepage Please cooperate and advertise to all persons, to allow all the communities in the world to visit and download from our website in the interest of public peace, humanity, jobs, business, security, health and wealth of mankind in the world and oblige. With Kind Regards, Ibrahim Ali

Well, Mr. Ali, if you can explain what this rant has to do with the media industry, feel free. On second, thought, please don’t.

Here’s a fun one:

Tuesday, Oct. 19, 5:13 a.m. ET: hi, i want to miss you

Well, all righty, then. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

Another useless one:

Saturday, Nov. 27, 10:51 p.m. ET: pick me

I just did: I picked you to make fun of. Enjoy!

And my last one might be my personal favorite, even more so than the Collinsworth hater or Mr. Ali:

Saturday, Nov. 27, 11:18 a.m.: google

Google? Wow! What a cool new site! I’m so glad you pointed this out to me, because I’d never heard of it, and I’d clearly have never found it on my own. Thanks!

Maybe I’ll actually get a useful tip from the tip box one of these days, but the cynic (and realist) in me expects more crap like the examples I posted. I have a headache.

8 comments on “Anonymous tips from the psycho ward

  1. Mel says:

    These made me laugh!

    But, on a related note– I used hate Collingsworthless. He’s totally anti-Eagles. Or he was. Now that I’m anti-Eagles too, he sounds like a dream.

    As for JB- Joe Buck makes every sport suck. When will Fox fire him?

    Here’s a tip for you (that won’t help you AT ALL) – DeSean Jackson got reamed by Reid and the dogtorturer for having alligator arms. HA HA HA Eagles Fail.

  2. Deb says:

    Um, I knew that things were crazy out there. I just hadn’t seen the craziness in writing so much.

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