Dear Red Sox Fan? Get bent!

My mail a couple of weeks ago contained an envelope from the Boston Red Sox. I was intrigued. I didn’t think the team was offering me a contract (although I did get five hits in a doubleheader yesterday, and so what if it was slow-pitch softball?), but I was curious what it was all about.

The enclosed letter:

Dear Red Sox Fan,

2008 promises to be a special season for the Boston Red Sox and Red Sox Nation. Not only are we defending our second World Series championship in the past four years, but we are putting on the field one of the most exciting clubs in baseball.

To make it easier for you to follow the Red Sox, wherever you are, the Red Sox are partnering with XM to provide a special offer to Red Sox fans so that you’ll never have to miss another Red Sox game.

XM is the official satellite radio home of the Boston Red Sox and Major League Baseball.

With packages starting at only $99, you’ll get an XM radio and a season-long subscription to XM where you can listen to play-by-play of the Red Sox and every single MLB game from Opening Day to the final pitch of the World Series. Just follow the directions on the enclosed ticket and go to xmradio.com/redsox to sign up or call 866 MLB XM 08.

In addition to XM’s unparalleled baseball coverage, as an XM subscriber, you’ll also get 170 channels of commercial-free music, sports, news, talk and comedy, including a 24/7 all-baseball channel with year-round MLB news and analysis.

We are excited to have you as part of the team, and hope you’ll be able to follow the Red Sox closely throughout the 2008 season.

Sincerely,

Larry Lucchino

President & CEO

Boston Red Sox

What’s wrong with this picture?

First off, the only team I hate more than the Red Sox is the Philadelphia Eagles. I’m a die-hard New York Yankees fan. Calling me a Red Sox fan? That’s a fight in my hood. I’d rather be referred to as a molester of livestock than a Red Sox fan.

Second, I have no idea how they got my name and address. I’ve gone to Fenway Park, but I’ve never ordered tickets directly from the Red Sox. I got Mets stuff in the mail for years after buying tickets to the first interleague series back in 1997. And since I bought tickets to the Dallas Cowboys at the Miami Dolphins last September, the Dolphins marketing people have been total pains in the ass. But I have no clue how the Red Sox organization has my name.

So, Larry Lucchino, take your XM offer and your chowdah and jam them both up your ass. Let’s go YANKEES.