Dodging furniture on the New Jersey Turnpike

Is it weird that while facing a split-second, near-death moment last night (no exaggeration whatsoever), I was laughing? No lie: Here’s what happened.

Not too far off

I was driving southbound on the New Jersey Turnpike, traveling 75-80 miles per hour in the left-hand lane, when a pickup truck with some highly unstable cargo entered the lane in front of me, also reaching about 80 MPH. The two turd-for-brains rejects driving the pickup apparently thought that wedging a love seat and two mattresses into the open back, with no bungee cords or rope, was a wise move. They were wrong.

I realized instantly that their cargo was perilous, at best, but I couldn’t get out of the left-hand lane due to the truck traffic in the middle lane. I slowed down a little, much to the dismay of the driver behind me, and that turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Suddenly, one of the mattresses came flying off the back of the pickup truck. Luckily, there was just enough room between trucks in the middle lane for me to slam on the gas pedal, cut off the trailing truck by less than a yard (again, no exaggeration), and avoid an accident.

The spilt-second I will never forget: I had my right eye on the rear-view mirror, praying that my aging 1997 Honda Accord had enough pickup to cut off a fast-moving truck. At the same time, my left eye saw a maroon love seat literally bounce past my car in the lane I had just vacated, narrowly missing my side-view mirror. And I was laughing throughout the entire experience, all of which probably lasted about five seconds, probably just to keep my sanity.

As for the car behind me, its driver was able to execute a similar life-saving move, using the shoulder on the left-hand side of the road, which worked out perfectly for both of us.

By the way, how idiotic do you have to be to jam a love seat and two mattresses into the back of a pickup, with no safety precautions whatsoever and nothing preventing the items from falling out? Even worse, how much of a dope do you have to be to do this while driving 80 MPH on the New Jersey Turnpike? The cat turds I cleaned out of my litter box this morning have more intelligence than these jackasses.

The stupidity of people never ceases to amaze me. I’m just glad I’m here in one piece typing this blog, instead of, well, I don’t even want to think about it.

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