Dopey soccer terminology

Now that the United States and England have been eliminated from the World Cup, I have a simple request for soccer fans who love to display the fact that they’re soccer fans at every opportunity. You’re in America: Speak American English.

Pitching a fixture

I have nothing against soccer. I’ve really enjoyed watching this World Cup, and I will continue to follow the tournament despite the absence of our national team. But some soccer terminology annoys the crap out of me, and I don’t want to hear it from wannabe hooligans discussing other sports.

• It’s not a pitch: It’s a field. A pitch is the way a baseball is delivered to home plate. In the case of A.J. Burnett, a pitch usually ends up outside the strike zone or deep into the outfield.

• It’s not a match: It’s a game. The only match is your face and my ass. Match is acceptable for tennis, not baseball or football.

• It’s not a fixture: It’s a bracket, or a schedule. A fixture is something you screw a light bulb into.

• It’s not a kit: It’s a jersey. A kit is a collection of tools assembled to a complete a task, where many of the wannabe soccer fans I’ve met are simply a collection of tools.

• It’s not a brief: It’s a ticket. A brief is something written by lawyers who pull all-nighters fully knowing what they got themselves into when they chose their careers, and then cry about it to people who make a fraction of their salaries.

• It’s not a cap: It’s an appearance in a national-team game. A cap is something baseball players wear on their heads, and a salary cap is something Major League Baseball desperately needs.

Thank you, and enjoy the rest of the World Cup. Try not to miss all of the action, like the officials have done thus far.

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