Thanks to my good friends at the United Nations (funny, I didn’t know I had any good friends at the United Nations), all my financial troubles are history, and I no longer have to look for a job.
I only wish that were true. The truth is that I received another gem of a spam e-mail today and just felt compelled to rip it apart, so here goes:
Subject: FROM THE UNITED NATIONS
Seriously, you couldn’t come up with a better e-mail address than that? I mean, for the love of God, make up a name, you lazy sack of shit. This e-mail is supposedly from Dr. Henry Keller. Would it have been that much of a strain on your time to make the address firstname.lastname@example.org? If there’s one thing worse than a thief, it’s a lazy, unmotivated thief. You should turn in your thief card, slacker.
As we arrive to the end of the year, the United Nations Development Commission has tabulated it’s index for the fiscal year and has issued out to you a Compensation International Cashable Bank Check with the sum of $875,000.00 USD (Eight Hundred and Seventy Five Thousand United States Dollars) which is a compensation and also your email was gotten from partner sites during an online random email ballot.
Arrive to the end of the year? What fucking language is this? Tabulated it’s index? My seven-year-old soon-to-be nephew has better grammatical skills than you do. And about your explanation for why I’m supposedly receiving $875,000: Huh? What in God’s name are you talking about? A compensation for what? And since when does the United Nations hold online random e-mail ballots to give away cash? Oh, yeah, and nice run-on sentence, too. You could have at least made up one of those Nigerian transaction stories, but I guess you were too fucking lazy to do that, too. Anyone who falls for an e-mail telling them they’re getting $875,000 (or any amount of money, for that matter) for no reason whatsoever is an utter and complete moron (but probably still smarter than whoever was responsible for this e-mail).
The Check has been deposited with FEDEX COURIER SERVICE, NIGERIA. All you need now is to contact FEDEX COURIER SERVICE as soon as possible so they can deliver your package to you immediately. The shipping charge has been paid for.
Somehow, I knew Nigeria was involved. That poor country gets such a bad rep from being used in 90% of e-mail scams. If I were Nigerian, I’d be royally pissed.
The only money you will send to the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE to deliver your Check direct to your delivery Address in your country is $150.00 USD Dollars only being for Insurance Coverage Fee. Again, you are not to pay any other money except $150.
Hey, jackass, you just said shipping was paid for. If you were generous enough to pick up the shipping, would it have killed you to take care of the insurance, too? I mean, what kind of gift is this? Didn’t your parents teach you manners?
The organization would have paid for that but they declined because they don’t know when you will contact them in case of demurrage charges.
Oh, I see: That explains everything. Moron.
You have to contact Mr. Donald Blake of FEDEX COURIER SERVICES now for the delivery of your Draft with this information below:
Contact Person: Mr. Donald Blake
Email Address: email@example.com
You really suck at making up e-mail addresses, if no one has bothered to inform you of that yet.
Finally, make sure that you reconfirm the details below so that your check would be shipped over to you immediately:
1. FULL NAME
2. DELIVERY ADDRESS
3. DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER
4. PRESENT OCCUPATION
Well, since you’re giving me $875,000 for no reason whatsoever, my present occupation is sitting on my fat ass on my couch and sipping fine scotch while I watch my brand-new flat-screen and instruct the help on the proper way to buff my Lexus.
Send all these details to them again to avoid any mistakes on the Delivery and ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your package over there and know when it will get to your address.
I’m on it, jerky!
Let me repeat again, try to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay only the Insurance Coverage Fee of $150.00 US Dollars for their immediate dispatch. You should also get back me as soon as you receive your check.
I said I’m on it, you impatient bastard!
DR. HENRY KELLER
UNITED NATIONS DEVELOPMENT COMMISSION
I know doctors aren’t paid to write, but you are bordering on illiteracy. And if anyone actually does fall for this, please forward me their e-mail address so I can either scam them out of some more money (if you left anything behind) or just beat the shit out of them for being a fool.