I’m writing this on the day after Thanksgiving, on a day when I have adopted the lifestyle of my cats and barely moved. My fiancée and I are recovering from a fantastic Thanksgiving dinner at her sister’s house in South Philadelphia with her immediate family, a few friends and my Aunt Rose.
Since our engagement, a reality show on TLC, Say Yes to the Dress, has become a staple on our television, through no choice of my own. In all fairness, she has put up with a healthy diet of sports, so what’s fair is fair. At least we agree on Cake Boss.
I don’t know which surprises me more: The jaw-dropping price tags attached to just about every single item associated with weddings, or the piles of money brides-to-be and their families are willing to shell out for things that will be used once. Example: a veil, which is barely one square yard of fabric that will be worn for less than one hour, costs $600. Are you serious?
My proposed reality show is an answer to Say Yes to the Dress, but it’s only directed at the spoiled-brat-type brides found on another reality TV disaster, WE tv’s Bridezillas.
In my reality show, the worst, bitchy, spoiled, high-maintenance, demanding brides-to-be will shop at a high-end bridal salon modeled after the establishment behind Say Yes to the Dress, Kleinfeld Bridal. Rather than trying to establish some base of reason, their family and friends, along with the staff of the store, will cater to their every whim and let them think they’re getting everything they want.
Then, just when the princess thinks she’s completely gotten her way, the star of the show emerges. I have two people in mind: Chris Rock, or Damon Wayans in character as Homey D. Clown from classic 1990s Fox comedy-sketch series In Living Color. The star then proceeds to berate the princess, while the audience (myself in particular) cackles themselves into a frenzy.
Example: “$15,000 for a DRESS? Does it have WHEELS? Are you out your MIND? And you gonna spend $600 on a veil to cover yo grill when that could feed an entire grade at the school down the block? What in the HELL is wrong with you? What part of BUDGET don’t you understand? You must be OUT yo GOD-DAMNED MIND!”
The name of my reality pilot (drum roll please …): Say No to the Ho. I have to go now. Pitching this to the cable networks will take time.