Get your own damn Sports Weekly subscription

To the dirty rotten yellow rat bastard (thank you, Louis “Red” Deutsch) who has stolen at least one-half of my copies of USA Today Sports Weekly since I renewed my subscription last year:

I’ll bet it’s been pretty sweet reading at least two issues per month of a very well-put-together sports publication and not paying one dime for it. You must chuckle to yourself every time you bend over and pick up my copy of Sports Weekly from the sidewalk in front of my building. I have no clue why it’s delivered that way, but that’s the way it’s been for a little over one year now.

But guess what, dickhead: I’ve got a little surprise for you. I’ve been working from home, and that gives me the flexibility to set up a stakeout. August is a quiet month work-wise, and I’ve got nothing better to do.

So the next time you bend over to swipe my Sports Weekly, beware. If I catch you, I will tackle you like Lawrence Taylor tackled Joe Theismann on Monday Night Football. And unlike L.T., I won’t signal for medical attention. I’ll just grab my issue out of your hand and laugh.

I know times are tough, but if you really want to read Sports Weekly that badly, how about paying for your own fucking subscription?

You have been warned.

3 comments on “Get your own damn Sports Weekly subscription

  1. Lynne says:

    My father whipped up some powder in the lab that would turn the thief’s hands blue when they stole his paper. I can’t wait to hear how you catch this fool.

  2. Deb says:

    David, I cracked up so bad by your third sentence! Please, please keep venting. Seriously.


    What I meant to say was, um, I’m sorry to hear about your stolen magazines 0:). You should subscribe to Bon Apettit just to f*ck with this guy.

  3. ranjit says:

    I enjoyed your story. very funny

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