When you’re going through something like being unemployed, friends and family often want to help out. But sometimes, their suggestions and ideas make me want to attack the liquor cabinet with a vengeance.
I understand people mean well, and if anyone who happens to have offered one of these suggestions happens to read this entry, it’s written with humor, and not malice.
But here are some of the award-winning ideas I’ve had to listen to lately.
• Have you tried Monster.com and/or craigslist? Are you serious? No, I didn’t bother to look at the most well-known job site out there. I thought Monster.com was a horror-movie database. And I decided to completely overlook the fact that job listings have been skyrocketing on craigslist. Come on, people: Why not ask if I remembered to breathe so I can stay alive?
• Why don’t you get a job with the Yankees? Great idea, because naturally, the planet’s most famous sports franchise is just welcoming throngs of applicants in through a revolving door. Maybe they’ll even let me coach first base! Even better, no one has ever thought of this one before. What an original idea.
• Have you ever thought about teaching? OK, let’s see: I have an intense fear of speaking in public, I can’t remember people’s names to save my life, and teachers are grossly underpaid even more so than journalists. What a perfect fit! I have nothing but hearty respect for teachers, so if anything I wrote sounds anti-teacher, it’s not meant that way. I could never teach, and I salute those who do it. But the only career path that would be worse for me would be sales. I am SO not a people person, so I could never take that route, either.
I’m sure there will be a sequel to this entry if I don’t get a damn job soon.