As Hoboken residents already know, the one hospital in town, St. Mary’s (or St. Scary’s to the locals), recently became Hoboken University Medical Center. This has always been a source of amusement for my girlfriend and I, since there is no such thing as Hoboken University.
But it got me thinking: What if there was a Hoboken University? What sorts of classes would it offer? I especially wondered about classes with a local flavor, aside from the usual science, math, English, etc.
So, I present to you, some of the local highlights of the Hoboken University curriculum.
Driving in Hoboken: Learn the finer points of stopping at stop signs for no reason when you have the right of way and completely ignoring them when they apply to you. Boost your average speed up to as high as 50 miles per hour while driving down narrow residential streets, with no care about the possibility of harming children or animals. Hold your cell phone in your hand despite the law against it and ignore everything around you.
Parking in Hoboken: A refresher course on how to park your vehicle, including being sure to park your stadium-sized SUV as close to the corner as possible so passing motorists have no clue if any traffic is coming down the street, as well as pinning already-parked cars in and leaving mere inches between them and the vehicles on either side of them.
Being female in Hoboken: A guide to how to manage enough baggage to fill the conveyor belt at Newark Liberty International Airport, with a special focus on how to not tell the guy you’re dating what you want, yet how to tell all of your friends about his “shortcomings.” Also, for extra credit, how to whine to everyone that all you want is to meet a “nice guy,” while blowing off many males who fit that description to date douchebags.
Apartment-hunting in Hoboken: Learn the true meaning of phrases including: deluxe, spacious, airy, close to transportation, charming and quaint. Also learn that just because a room is called a bedroom, that doesn’t necessarily mean a bed will be able to fit inside of it.
Hoboken, the Lost City (summer only): Examine the ruins of an abandoned city every weekend from Memorial Day-Labor Day. This course is also available on major holidays, including Thanksgiving and Christmas.
The Amazing Race – Hoboken: Learn how to get home despite major Holland Tunnel traffic, PATH derailments and all-around anarchy.
Hoboken economics: Follow the demise of mom-and-pop, family-run stores and neighborhood bars and the takeover by large retail chains, banks, real estate offices and nail salons.
Hoboken aquatics: Learn how to navigate Hoboken by watercraft, scuba gear or good old-fashioned swimming following a water-main break or any rainfall lasting more than six minutes.
Hoboken politics: No longer being offered, as the subject matter became far too laughable.
Hoboken SWAT Team 101: Learn the proper way to hand your weapon to a Hooters waitress and the best angles for being photographed with them.
Remember: A mind is a terrible thing to waste.