(Originally posted on my MySpace blog June 16, 2006)
While riding the D train on the way to Thursday afternoon’s disgrace of a Yankee game, I spotted an ad for the MTA’s lost-and-found hotline that had me howling.
Besides the phone number, the ad was a virtual mural of items that are theoretically turned into the lost-and-found office, wherever that may be.
Among items on this Picasso of a drawing:
• A wad of bills: OK, like ANYONE is going to turn in cash. Let’s be real. Even the most honest member of the clergy – possibly even one who doesn’t fondle little boys – is NOT turning in a pile of cash. So what are the odds of the average schlub on the train doing so? And who the hell is going to claim the cash? Unless you know the exact amount, and the total happens to be a number that would be tough to guess, like $173, what are they going to do: ask you for the serial numbers on the bills? “Hi, is this the MTA lost and found? It is? Good. I lost some cash. How much did I lose? How much do you have?”
• A pencil: If someone is in bad enough financial shape that they’d actually go through Barney Miller-like efforts to track down a pencil, then my heart goes out to them. Although, in an eerily satisfying way, it’s good to know there are actually people out there who are more broke than I am.
• A prosthetic leg: Isn’t this something a person would kind of NOTICE was missing right away? How many hops would it take once he or she exited the train for them to realize they were hopping on one leg? And as heartless as New Yorkers can be, even the most grizzled and inconsiderate subway rider would more than likely at least summon the effort to yell out, “YO! Your LEG!”
• A crutch: See above, but not as dramatic.
I’m just waiting to pick up the Post and read a story about a moron getting arrested for calling the MTA’s lost-and-found number and trying to recover a brick of cocaine he left on the L train.