Headphones = go away

(Originally posted on my MySpace blog Jan. 17, 2006)

It started with the Walkman. Then it advanced with the Discman. And it’s really been taken to the next level by the iPod.

I’m talking about the explosion of antisocial behavior by commuters. I’m not criticizing it in the least. In fact, I’m probably among the group that’s most guilty of it. It is what it is, and it’s part of life. Deal with it.

But there are also way too many people who haven’t learned to deal with the existence and meaning of headphones.

In very general terms, headphones = fuck off, but there are exceptions.

The following are acceptable reasons to annoy me when I have headphones on:

  • You are an attractive female.
  • You want to set me up with an attractive female.
  • I’m on fire and haven’t realized it yet.
  • An attractive female is on fire, and the first person to come to her aid gets her phone number and a dinner date.
  • There is a large, angry Rottweiler charging at me with teeth bared.
  • You are an attractive female.
  • Did I mention that this behavior is acceptable if you’re an attractive female?

The following are completely unacceptable reasons:

  • Asking for directions. For the love of God, only about 50% of people in the street are wearing headphones. Go bother a member of the 50% who aren’t.
  • You’re a religious fanatic: So, let me get this straight … I just turned off one of my favorite Rush songs so I could hear you babble about Jehovah? You’d better hope whatever supreme being you believe in is truly watching over you, because you’re two seconds from a foot in your ass.
  • You need change: The last time I checked, although I may be carrying a few extra pounds, I don’t look like a Citibank branch. If it’s for the bus, for the love of God, join the 1980s and get a MetroCard. If it’s for a parking meter, the concept of keeping quarters in your car is apparently well beyond your comprehension, and you deserve a ticket.

The moral of the story: If you see someone wearing headphones, leave them the hell alone … unless, of course, I happen to be that someone, and you happen to be an attractive female.

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