Posts Tagged With: spam

Apple announces new iPhone models; I get Apple-related spam

One of the many clever, resourceful spammers out there decided to take advantage of Apple’s announcement of its new iPhone 5S and iPhone 5C by sending the awful attempt at an Apple email forgery below.

But it must be official, since the sending of this email applies when the expiration date of your account happens to term.

What in the fuck?

But it’s from “The Apple Customer Assistance,” so it’s clearly legit.

I hate people.


Categories: technology, venting | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Dennis should have stayed out of Spain

Old-school spam is coming back with a vengeance, which does not give me much hope for society, since it means that people are still stupid enough to fall for crap like this (unedited, as always):

I’m sorry for this odd request because it might get to you too urgent but it’s because of the situation of things right now:

I am stuck in Spain with my family. we came here for a short Vacation and got ROBBED last night; Cash, phones and other valuables were stolen. It was crazy and very terrifying. The authorities are not being 100% supportive but the good thing is i still have my passport and flight leaves today but I’m having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won’t let me leave until i settle the bills.

Please I need you to loan me some CASH. I will reimburse you as soon as I’m back home, you have my words



Well, Dennis, you are shit out of luck for the following reasons:

  • I don’t know anyone named Dennis.
  • Your request got to me too urgent, but I really don’t give a shit.
  • I hope the authorities who bust you for spamming are even less supported. In fact, I hope they taze you until smoke is coming out of your ass.
  • “Having your words” could not possibly mean less to me. The only place your words are going is the spam folder.

For the love of God, people, STOP FALLING FOR SHIT LIKE THIS! If it didn’t still work, these miscreants wouldn’t still be sending it out.

Categories: life, sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

Run! It’s an Earthquack!


The anonymous tips box for the blog I work on just unearthed its dumbest gem yet. I swear, I am not making any of these up, and I did not edit a single character:

I think to save the Nuclear Power Plant in Future in accudent of Earthquack or Tsunami to creat the undergroung Mega Pipe Line from Sea of Water & That Mega Pipe Line attach to that Nuclear Power Project & which these system creat at that time the will be use for the cooling for Nuclear temperature. These mega pipe line built up as a fountain & save the lIVELYHOOD energy & Earth.

I have a vision in my head of Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction pointing his gun at this person and yelling, “ENGLISH, mother FUCKER, do you SPEAK IT?” I’d be careful of that Earthquack, though. It may walk like a duck and talk like a duck, but it will most definitely fuck you up. And it won’t be an accudent.

Categories: humor, sarcasm | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Spammers are out of fresh ideas, so they’re going old-school


As I mentioned in an earlier blog post, since mid-January, spam has been completely out of control both on my personal and work e-mail addresses. And now it’s going retro. Check out this ol’ gag (unedited, as always):

How’s your day going? I hope things are going well. Please I need you to help me out with something. Can I get a loan from you urgently? I`ll reimburse you under a week, I promise. I need to solve some personal problems at hand which have been giving me worries. I’d also prefer if we discuss this through email as I’m presently in England for a friend’s funeral. I’m sorry if I didn’t inform you about it, but please try and understand. I had to leave in a hurry on-hearing that the date of her burial was re-scheduled & it seems I can’t access my credit card & bank here in London. I`ll let you know how much I need if you are willing to assist me.



Seriously? If anyone falls for this, they should be taken to a public gathering place and beaten with clubs. No, Joel, I am not willing to assist you, unless it involves shoving you off a very high ledge.

Categories: business, sarcasm, venting | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

Spamuary? Spamapocalypse?

I’m wondering if anyone else has noticed this. Since right around the middle of January, probably around the 13th, the level of spam e-mails and solicitation phone calls I have received has simply skyrocketed. I know the economy sucks, and desperate times call for desperate measures, but y’all are targeting the wrong person. Fuck off: I haven’t had a full-time job in more than two years and, even if I had extra money, you’re not getting it.


The spam folder in my e-mail account, which stores messages for one week before deleting them, usually has 70-80 e-mails in it. That number has been rising steadily, and the folder currently contains 183 pathetic attempts at trying to sell products nobody wants or scam credit-card or banking information.

And the phone calls have been getting ridiculous. It seems that my good friends at Peconic Bay Marketing have finally received the message (or lack thereof) and realized that if I hadn’t picked up the phone in nearly two years, it wasn’t going to happen. Or, the bastards could have altered what appears on caller ID, but, in any event, not seeing the name Peconic Bay Marketing on my phone brings a smile to my face for a small victory won.

However, Peconic Bay Marketing has been replaced by these particularly persistent fuckers who have been calling me two to three times a day, every single day:

The phone just doesn't stop ...

(760) 526-8572: According to 800notes Directory of Unknown Callers, people who have been unlucky enough to answer the phone have listened to a variety of scams, including an offer to relist business phone numbers on AT&T and the old “you have won a gift certificate” gag. SURE I’ll give you my credit-card information! In fact, one potential victim reported that the person on the other end of the line told them AT&T was taking over Verizon, and they had to switch all of their Verizon accounts over to AT&T. I’m sure Verizon was thrilled with this news.

(506) 151-3391: Again via 800notes Directory of Unknown Callers, this rocket scientist is calling about “continuing your education,” and, in the words of one poster, was guilty of “VERY poor communication skills, language skills, and poor line quality.” Perhaps this person should stop trying to scam people and continue his OWN education. But I suppose that would require effort.

Someone commented on my previous rant about Peconic Bay Marketing, asking why I didn’t just pick up the phone and demand that they stop calling. Well, I have two reasons. One of them is that I feel like being a stubborn prick about it. I didn’t ask for these phone calls, so I don’t feel like I should waste one second of my time dealing with them (yes, this blog entry took more than one second, but it was fun, damn it). The second is that I believe most of these enterprises are connected, and I don’t want them to think they can ever reach me at home, but hey, if they want to keep wasting their resources, go right ahead. You will never get one bit of information or one fraction of a penny out of me, but feel free to keep trying!

Categories: business, venting | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Dōmo arigatō, Mr. Roboto

Funny, I was just thinking of importing a cleaning robot. And if one were to import a cleaning robot, one would be foolish to turn to any company other than Ningbo Huihuang Intelligent Technology Co. Ltd. That’s just good old-fashioned common sense.

My e-mail account for my part-time blogging job contained this disaster earlier this evening (unedited, naturally):


No. 13,Zhushan North Road Ninghai Tech Industrial Zone, Ningbo China

Tel: 86-0574-65358808-8663   Fax:86-0574-65358800

Jan 05, 2011

Dear sir or madam,

We have obtained your name and address from the website, we understand that you are interested in importing cleaning robot. So we are writing to you in the hope of establishing business relations with you.

Ningbo HuiHuang Intelligent Technology Co.,ltd. built its business in Mechanical and Electrical products.H8818 cleaning robot is the intelligent product developed by our company. It looks beautiful, and has functions of auto cleaning, avoid dropping from the stairs and table, avoid hitting the furniture and vases, and UV light and ozone generator take the responsibility of killing bacteria and viruses on the floor. Our products sold well at home and abroad, and have obtained praise from widespread users.

If you are interested in our products, welcome to your inquiry! And I will provide some other information to you! We assure you of our close cooperation at all times in the future, I am looking forward to your early reply!

Yours faithfully,


I was hoping for something that looked more like Rosie from The Jetsons, but hey, the H8818 will do just fine!


Categories: business, technology | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

Where were all these chicks when I was single?


I’m sensing a theme in the 1990s-style spam messages that have suddenly begun to infiltrate my work e-mail address. Apparently, love conquers all, despite color or age.

This doozy from “tessy” a couple of weeks ago was followed up this morning by the following declaration of love from a lass “from Dakar Senegal.” Enjoy the unedited version:

Hello My name is Christanne Lama from Dakar Senegal I have interest on you, It give me a great pleasure to write you, I will also like to know you more, and if you can send an email to my email address, I will give you my pictures and tell you more about me. I believe we can move from here! Waiting for your mail to my email address above.(Remember the distance, Color or age does not matter but love matters allot in life)Miss Lama

Um, yeah.

Categories: technology | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

Old-school spam


I received a spam e-mail on my work account today that harkened back to the typical spam messages of the mid-1990s, when I first joined the online world with my brand-spanking-new AOL account and was pondering whether I needed a CompuServe account, as well, until opening a Netcom account became the more viable solution.

Seriously, this is old-school spam. I haven’t gotten a message like this in about 15 years. I think stuff like this predates the Nigerian banking scheme.

For your reading pleasure, absolutely unedited:

Interested in you,
Hello Dear, I just came across your  and love
to write to you. Am tessy by name, i am really interested
in you for serious long term relationship. Please i will
like to have a serious discussion with you,please contact
me in my email  contact me so that
i will send to you my picture to know who i am. Remember
distance or color does not matter but true love matters a
lot in life.
Yours Love Tessy


Categories: technology | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Unemployment Nine: Two middle fingers up to Nerkena

I know the week is early, but my double-middle-finger salute for the week goes out to Nerkena, which describes itself as “an American supplier of quality automotive repair equipment and repair shop tools at discount prices since 1996 to automobile dealers, body and repair shops, fleet and valet services, home/hobbyists, and virtually anybody in the auto sales/services industry.”


No, I didn’t suddenly develop a grudge toward automobile hobbyists. Rather, an unsolicited e-mail prompted my two-fingered salute to Nerkena.

The e-mail was sent to the address that I’ve been using during my search for a job and, while I was pretty sure it was a fake right away due to the salary, I decided to click through, for shits and giggles.

The e-mail read:

Hello! We found your resume placed at the site interesting! Nerkena company needs Editor. Salary – 162000 USD.

Sincerely yours, HR-consultant.

Barrett Pierce

Nerkena Inc.

If this company is going to send out e-mails with the English language mangled, they certainly do need an editor, but I thought $162,000 was a trifle high considering my discovery last week of an ad for an editor in chief position that was paying a paltry $55,000.

Needless to say, the link was thoroughly useless, bringing me to an even more useless Website that, as stated above, claimed to sell auto-repair equipment but was covered with nothing but related Google ads. And also needless to say, there was nothing resembling a job listing anywhere on the site.

To Nerkena, or whoever the source of this e-mail was: If you’re going to stoop so low as to dangle a job offer to someone who’s unemployed in an effort to get them to visit your site, how about at least having a site worth visiting? Better yet, how about sticking your poorly worded, unreadable fraud of an e-mail where the sun doesn’t shine and leaving myself and the rest of the unemployed alone?

This e-mail was truly shameful.

Categories: business, life, venting | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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