Posts Tagged With: craigslist

Unemployment Nine: I’m too old … oh, yeah, and I have no ovaries

God bless craigslist for at least providing me some amusement during my nearly 18 months of futility in looking for a job.

This (unedited) was listed in the Writing/Editing Jobs section. Why? Damned if I know.

Broken Egg :(

Egg Donor Needed (NYC Area)

Generous couple in mid-40s, residing in NYC is seeking an egg donor. Please fit the following description:

*between ages of 20-30 years

*Caucasian

*blue eyes

*university educated

*ready to start

Will COMPENSATE $10,000 plus all extra related expenses

Well, the good news is that I am Caucasian with blue eyes, university-educated and ready to start. The bad news is that I’m 42. The worse news is that I don’t have ovaries.

This sucks: That $10,000 could have really come in handy.

Categories: business, technology | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Unemployment Nine: Someone at craigslist needs more coffee

While browsing through the job ads on craigslist, as us unemployed folk tend to do, I came across the following ad under Writing/Editing Jobs that was clearly placed in the wrong section, unless I’m missing something:

Egg donor

Egg Donor Needed (NYC Area)

NYC couple in mid-40′s seeking egg donor who fits the following description:

*female between ages of 20-30 years

*Caucasian

*blue eyes

*ready to begin

Will compensate $10,000 plus any other related expenses.

Please, serious inquiries only.

Curse the day I was born with a penis instead of a uterus! I have blue eyes, and I’ve been ready to begin for 15 months! I have to admit that I roared with laughter when I saw that the person who wrote the ad felt the need to specify “female.” You don’t say?

In any event, whoever is responsible for monitoring the job listings on craigslist might want to double up on the coffee.

Categories: business, life | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Unemployment Nine: Desperate times call for desperate measures

To hell with the Internet, journalism, new media and the like. Thanks to craigslist, I have seen the light. Even though Queens is a bit of a difficult commute from Hoboken, adult entertainment, here I come!

My new career

My new career

This ad was on craigslist, under Web design jobs. Um, OK. And this has exactly what to do with the Internet? Yet another great filtering job by craigslist.

Unedited, as always:

TOPLESS DANCERS/ WANTED FOR (GENTLEMENS CLUB)$100′S even $1000′S DAILY (248-58 ROCKAWAY BLVD, QUEENS)
LOOKING FOR DANCERS TO WORK IN ADULT ENTERTAINMENT ESTABLISHMENT (TOPLESS ) IN QUEENS. EARN HUNDREDS AND EVEN THOUSANDS PER DAY
STRICTLY ENTERTAINMENT. DANCE ON STAGE AND IN VIP AREA FOR TIPS. $25.00 PER DANCE, WHICH LASTS 3 MINUTES.
NO EXPERIENCE NECCESSARY. MUST BE 18 AND OVER WITH I.D. PLEASE COME IN TO AUDITION. PLEASE ALSO SEND A PICTURE.
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY HOSTED BY HOT 97′S BIG DENNIS. ( LATIN NIGHT )

Jesus Christ, people.

Categories: business, life, sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Unemployment Nine: Career change beckons

Mrs. Doubtfire

Mrs. Doubtfire

I think craigslist joined CareerBuilder in trying to send a subtle message that it’s time for a career change, because this is the second ad for a nanny that I’ve found while looking for writing/editing jobs.

Here’s the ad, untouched, and if you don’t chuckle at the part about “a school that’s at least decent,” then you clearly have no sense of humor:

High-end Nanny. (Norwalk)

Childcare position for three children that leaves time for other things. You would: function within an upscale household with 1-2 other staff; cook; drive; run errands including grocery shopping; buy things for the children; and do some sporty activities. You should have: excellent judgment (no telephone, personal distractions while with children); an undergraduate degree from a school that’s at least decent; interpersonal judgment, not just with children but with the adults in household; several years’ experience working with children; a clear sense of self and maturity no matter what age.

Full-time hours unevenly distributed so that you have several days off/week.

Cover, resume, photo.

Categories: business, life | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Unemployment Nine: What does a kosher Labrador have to do with writing?

Kosher Labrador

Kosher Labrador

In one of my many trips to craigslist today, I found this ad under writing/editing (unedited):

Seeking an individual to provide dog care & household assistance. You will be responsible for the care of two energetic Labradors, basic cleaning, errands, shopping, light kitchen prep, general home help. This is a live in position. You will be required to be in the home during the day. You must love dogs and be comfortable handling them, but not currently own one. Nicely renovated, one-bedroom apartment and monthly salary provided. Experience with a Kosher home a plus. Approximately 5.5 days a week, but flexibility is a must. We are looking to fill this position immediately. References required, background check will be conducted! Please email a short paragraph telling a little about yourself and your resume.

Unlike some of the other masterpieces I’ve posted, there’s nothing wrong with this ad at all, except for one minor detail: What in the hell does it have to do with writing or editing?

Categories: business, dogs, life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Unemployment Nine: Extra more money!

I found yet another “English as a fourth language” ad on craigslist. This one is a classic.

By the way, I’m not pointing these out to poke fun at craigslist. The administrators there have actually been stellar at removing ads like these, often within the hour, which says a lot considering the volume of content on their sites. Making fun of the idiot posters is fair game, however.

Unedited:

JOB OFFER GOOD PAY (USA)

NEEDS PART TIME JOB SEEKERS/WORKERS TO BE OUR REPRESENTATIVES IN ANY PART OF THE USA AND IT’S BASICALLY MEANT FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO MAKE EXTRA MORE MONEY, FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED P/T. ASAP (NO REQUIREMENT NEEDED).

What the hell is “extra more money?”

Categories: business, life, technology | Tags: , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Unemployment Nine: Another craigslist gem

Two days removed from this winner of a craigslist job posting, I found yet another fountain of information (unedited):

JOB OFFER GOOD PAY (USA)

This is an offer for a very well paid part time job. You do not need any kind of experience, you just need to follow some step by step instructions. We welcome candidates from all over the US to apply for this job.

Does this strike anyone else as someone looking for a mole to move narcotics from place to place?

God help anyone who answers this ad. I’m desperate but not that desperate.

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Unemployment Nine: Information overload

I just found by far the most useless job listing in my four-plus months of unemployment.

Moron

Moron

This is the entire listing, from craigslist. I left out the e-mail address to protect the guilty, but I seriously should include it so everyone can tell this guy what a dumb ass he is. I also didn’t edit it, so any typos belong to the genius who posted it, and not to yours truly.

Job Offer (New York)

I have a job offer available for you and it pay good money at the end of the month.If you are interested in knowing more about the position.Contact email below.

Gee, thank you for the wealth of information. And I’m more interested than ever now that “it pay good money.” Hell, I don’t care what the job duties are! Sign me up!

Moron.

Categories: life, sarcasm, venting | Tags: , , , , , | 5 Comments

Unemployment Nine: I know you’re trying to be helpful, but …

When you’re going through something like being unemployed, friends and family often want to help out. But sometimes, their suggestions and ideas make me want to attack the liquor cabinet with a vengeance.

WTF?

WTF?

I understand people mean well, and if anyone who happens to have offered one of these suggestions happens to read this entry, it’s written with humor, and not malice.

But here are some of the award-winning ideas I’ve had to listen to lately.

• Have you tried Monster.com and/or craigslist? Are you serious? No, I didn’t bother to look at the most well-known job site out there. I thought Monster.com was a horror-movie database. And I decided to completely overlook the fact that job listings have been skyrocketing on craigslist. Come on, people: Why not ask if I remembered to breathe so I can stay alive?

• Why don’t you get a job with the Yankees? Great idea, because naturally, the planet’s most famous sports franchise is just welcoming throngs of applicants in through a revolving door. Maybe they’ll even let me coach first base! Even better, no one has ever thought of this one before. What an original idea.

• Have you ever thought about teaching? OK, let’s see: I have an intense fear of speaking in public, I can’t remember people’s names to save my life, and teachers are grossly underpaid even more so than journalists. What a perfect fit! I have nothing but hearty respect for teachers, so if anything I wrote sounds anti-teacher, it’s not meant that way. I could never teach, and I salute those who do it. But the only career path that would be worse for me would be sales. I am SO not a people person, so I could never take that route, either.

I’m sure there will be a sequel to this entry if I don’t get a damn job soon.

Categories: baseball, business, life, sarcasm, venting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Unemployment Nine: A much-needed laugh

Being unemployed sucks, but every once in a while, you come across something so funny that it makes you forget the stress and frustration you’re experiencing.

My future employer?

My future employer?

While browsing the web/info design job listings on craigslist, I came across the following gem (I left in all of the mistakes): Dominatrix is looking for an “Intern” to photoshop fetish pictures for website. If you know how to edit videos as well thats a plus. There is NO PAY. Instead you will have the opportunity to work with one of the best Domms in NYC. If youre looking for payment, do not call.

I mean, seriously, where do I start? I found this about an hour ago and I’m still coughing and laughing.

Thank you, Mistress Whateveryournameis, I needed that!

Categories: business, humor, life | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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