Unemployment Nine: I’m too old … oh, yeah, and I have no ovaries

God bless craigslist for at least providing me some amusement during my nearly 18 months of futility in looking for a job.

This (unedited) was listed in the Writing/Editing Jobs section. Why? Damned if I know.

Broken Egg :(

Egg Donor Needed (NYC Area)

Generous couple in mid-40s, residing in NYC is seeking an egg donor. Please fit the following description:

*between ages of 20-30 years

*Caucasian

*blue eyes

*university educated

*ready to start

Will COMPENSATE $10,000 plus all extra related expenses

Well, the good news is that I am Caucasian with blue eyes, university-educated and ready to start. The bad news is that I’m 42. The worse news is that I don’t have ovaries.

This sucks: That $10,000 could have really come in handy.

Unemployment Nine: Someone at craigslist needs more coffee

While browsing through the job ads on craigslist, as us unemployed folk tend to do, I came across the following ad under Writing/Editing Jobs that was clearly placed in the wrong section, unless I’m missing something:

Egg donor

Egg Donor Needed (NYC Area)

NYC couple in mid-40’s seeking egg donor who fits the following description:

*female between ages of 20-30 years

*Caucasian

*blue eyes

*ready to begin

Will compensate $10,000 plus any other related expenses.

Please, serious inquiries only.

Curse the day I was born with a penis instead of a uterus! I have blue eyes, and I’ve been ready to begin for 15 months! I have to admit that I roared with laughter when I saw that the person who wrote the ad felt the need to specify “female.” You don’t say?

In any event, whoever is responsible for monitoring the job listings on craigslist might want to double up on the coffee.

Unemployment Nine: Desperate times call for desperate measures

To hell with the Internet, journalism, new media and the like. Thanks to craigslist, I have seen the light. Even though Queens is a bit of a difficult commute from Hoboken, adult entertainment, here I come!

My new career

My new career

This ad was on craigslist, under Web design jobs. Um, OK. And this has exactly what to do with the Internet? Yet another great filtering job by craigslist.

Unedited, as always:

TOPLESS DANCERS/ WANTED FOR (GENTLEMENS CLUB)$100’S even $1000’S DAILY (248-58 ROCKAWAY BLVD, QUEENS)
LOOKING FOR DANCERS TO WORK IN ADULT ENTERTAINMENT ESTABLISHMENT (TOPLESS ) IN QUEENS. EARN HUNDREDS AND EVEN THOUSANDS PER DAY
STRICTLY ENTERTAINMENT. DANCE ON STAGE AND IN VIP AREA FOR TIPS. $25.00 PER DANCE, WHICH LASTS 3 MINUTES.
NO EXPERIENCE NECCESSARY. MUST BE 18 AND OVER WITH I.D. PLEASE COME IN TO AUDITION. PLEASE ALSO SEND A PICTURE.
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY HOSTED BY HOT 97’S BIG DENNIS. ( LATIN NIGHT )

Jesus Christ, people.

Unemployment Nine: Career change beckons

Mrs. Doubtfire

Mrs. Doubtfire

I think craigslist joined CareerBuilder in trying to send a subtle message that it’s time for a career change, because this is the second ad for a nanny that I’ve found while looking for writing/editing jobs.

Here’s the ad, untouched, and if you don’t chuckle at the part about “a school that’s at least decent,” then you clearly have no sense of humor:

High-end Nanny. (Norwalk)

Childcare position for three children that leaves time for other things. You would: function within an upscale household with 1-2 other staff; cook; drive; run errands including grocery shopping; buy things for the children; and do some sporty activities. You should have: excellent judgment (no telephone, personal distractions while with children); an undergraduate degree from a school that’s at least decent; interpersonal judgment, not just with children but with the adults in household; several years’ experience working with children; a clear sense of self and maturity no matter what age.

Full-time hours unevenly distributed so that you have several days off/week.

Cover, resume, photo.

Unemployment Nine: What does a kosher Labrador have to do with writing?

Kosher Labrador

Kosher Labrador

In one of my many trips to craigslist today, I found this ad under writing/editing (unedited):

Seeking an individual to provide dog care & household assistance. You will be responsible for the care of two energetic Labradors, basic cleaning, errands, shopping, light kitchen prep, general home help. This is a live in position. You will be required to be in the home during the day. You must love dogs and be comfortable handling them, but not currently own one. Nicely renovated, one-bedroom apartment and monthly salary provided. Experience with a Kosher home a plus. Approximately 5.5 days a week, but flexibility is a must. We are looking to fill this position immediately. References required, background check will be conducted! Please email a short paragraph telling a little about yourself and your resume.

Unlike some of the other masterpieces I’ve posted, there’s nothing wrong with this ad at all, except for one minor detail: What in the hell does it have to do with writing or editing?

Unemployment Nine: Extra more money!

I found yet another “English as a fourth language” ad on craigslist. This one is a classic.

By the way, I’m not pointing these out to poke fun at craigslist. The administrators there have actually been stellar at removing ads like these, often within the hour, which says a lot considering the volume of content on their sites. Making fun of the idiot posters is fair game, however.

Unedited:

JOB OFFER GOOD PAY (USA)

NEEDS PART TIME JOB SEEKERS/WORKERS TO BE OUR REPRESENTATIVES IN ANY PART OF THE USA AND IT’S BASICALLY MEANT FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO MAKE EXTRA MORE MONEY, FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED P/T. ASAP (NO REQUIREMENT NEEDED).

What the hell is “extra more money?”

Unemployment Nine: Another craigslist gem

Two days removed from this winner of a craigslist job posting, I found yet another fountain of information (unedited):

JOB OFFER GOOD PAY (USA)

This is an offer for a very well paid part time job. You do not need any kind of experience, you just need to follow some step by step instructions. We welcome candidates from all over the US to apply for this job.

Does this strike anyone else as someone looking for a mole to move narcotics from place to place?

God help anyone who answers this ad. I’m desperate but not that desperate.