Posts Tagged With: blogs

Ladies and gentlemen … we have a winner!

I often post stupid messages left on the Facebook page of the blog that actually pays me to write for it, and many of them are royally stupid, but this one has no competition. It’s in a league of its own.

The look on my face when I first read this …

Obviously unedited (this may make your skull ache):

to whomever is working at Facebook I’m not asking you to like this just try to here me out is it really considered harassment adding people that we already know that are family relatives no is it ever considered harassment to be adding people that are famous could that be considered harassment I say again no what I am saying is this there is no need to keep suspending people for 30 days this here is the United States of America all of us Americans have the freedom to choose who they want to have to be adding and sending requests out to people that they want to be friends with I don’t consider that harassment right there at all that anyone notice the differences between of what is harassment and what is not harassment in this case I’m right I also know whom your boss really is and that happens to be the president of the United States of America and that would be your new boss in which he runs everything around in the United States of America and that would be Mr. Obama so I say to all of you I and speaking only on behalf of the millions and millions plus the millions of people live in this country in this world is going to have to learn the answer to they are the ones that want their answers answered there are the people including the millions and millions plus the millions of people that are so angered and infuriated at all of you for doing this to them suspending them for 30 days I know what a 30 day suspension is on a calendar and it’s not the kind of suspension that the millions and the millions plus the millions people so I say to all of you ease up on your terms of policies on Facebook we have our American rights to fight back it we had to do when you get this please read very carefully and remember this message that I’m sending to you is not considered spam thank you for your time

Oh my GOD, where do I start?

Dude, take a breath. And while you’re refilling your lungs with oxygen, there’s this thing called punctuation you might want to consider. You went 351 words (Microsoft Word counted, I couldn’t be bothered) without a single comma or period. This has to be some sort of world record.

Now that I am done being a grammar Nazi, what in the blue hell are you talking about? And why should people who write a blog that covers Facebook give the slightest crap?

I hope you get suspended from Facebook for 30 days and are not allowed to return until you produce a comma.

Wow.

Categories: sarcasm, venting | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Good Lord …

The English language was murdered again, this time in a message on the Facebook page of the blog I write for. I don’t even know where to start with this (obviously unedited) gem:

how can earn money, for example ,my friend make it’s own website , if any person open it’s site company give some money, how can it’s possible can u tell me.

I mean, seriously, what in the fuck?

Categories: humor, venting | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

Email subject lines that make me cringe

I absolutely love working full-time on an established blog, but every job comes with things that make you just shake your head, no matter how content you are overall, and mine is no exception. And the thing that makes me shake my head on a regular basis, often several times daily, is my email inbox.

Me, several times a day, minus the suit and tie

I have posted repeatedly about the emails I get that are in unrecognizable languages, or that come from people who think that a blog that covers Facebook is Facebook, but plenty of contributions in perfect English and (allegedly) targeted specifically toward our blog make me wonder what people are thinking.

When I see the following subject lines, I know a migraine is sure to follow, and I’ll tell you why.

Article, article idea, story, story idea: I have pretty much stopped reading emails that come in with these subject lines. For every 1,000 I get, 999 are completely useless, and I will gladly run the risk of missing the one that isn’t. The vast majority contain stories about topics not even remotely covered by our blog. And the miniscule percentage of emails that do involve Facebook are either stories that state the obvious (This Just In: People Use Facebook To Communicate With Each Other!), ancient news (how to use Facebook’s new timeline, which debuted months ago), or babbling by someone claiming to be a “Facebook expert.” I have been working full-time on a blog about Facebook for nine months, and I still don’t consider myself a Facebook expert, so you are not a Facebook expert, either, just because you helped the flower shop down the block create their page.

Bylined article: These are even better. Instead of writing an article that nobody asked for, how about bringing me a steak and a bottle of wine that nobody asked for? It would be a lot more useful, and tasty, too. Do we run guest posts? Sure, but it makes much more sense to have some communication beforehand. Besides, most of the ones that come in have many of the same issues as the ones described in the last topic, and most have already been published elsewhere.

Is available for comment: Whenever a big Facebook story breaks, we get bombarded with “experts” who are “available for comment” on the news. And in 99.9% of the cases, I have never heard of the person or the company. I would be better off walking around the streets of Hoboken and stopping random strangers to ask their opinion. In some cases, I would be better off interviewing my cats.

These aren’t email subject lines, but since I’m on a roll, here are a couple of tactics that annoy the living hell out of me:

Trying to bullshit a bullshitter: While I already admitted that I don’t consider myself to be a Facebook expert, I do have somewhat of a clue after covering the social network for nine months. When people try tricks like tying together two things that have nothing to do with each other, it gets annoying, and I’m not falling for it. You may have updated your marginal Facebook applications, and it may have coincidentally happened the week before the company’s IPO, but the two have nothing to do with each other, so don’t even try this approach: “In conjunction with Facebook’s IPO, we added the following features to our app.” In conjunction with the Yankees losing to the Braves this afternoon, go fuck yourself.

English as a fourth language: I realize Facebook is a global company, and I am not one of those snobs who thinks every inhabitant of planet Earth should speak English or go drown themselves, but our blog is written in English, by people who speak English, so if you want us to write about your application, you need to find someone to help you describe its features in English. If I don’t understand it, I’m not going to write about it. I don’t expect a press release to read like John Steinbeck, but if it reads like Latka from “Taxi,” I will give up and move on to the next story.

The only bright spot about all of these annoying emails is that when I click open and find something useful, I appreciate it that much more. So the next time you want to send a “story idea” to a blog that covers Facebook, and your story is “How The Brady Bunch Would Have Used Twitter,” walk away from your PC, drive to the nearest store, and buy yourself a clue.

Categories: business, life, sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

Email stupidity is back wit a bang

Apparently not …

I have been very negligent about posting, for one obvious reason and one not-so-obvious reason that I don’t feel like getting into right now, but what better way to make my monumental return than with another edition of email stupidity?

This gem came into my work blog’s tips email account:

Day before yester i got a notification to upgrade my fb since den i cant access my account except wit browser the passwords dat m usin say invalid cant i get new ones to reset

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

First of all, you use a BlackBerry, so you are clearly a moron.

Second: What the hell is yester? Are you too lazy to finish typing a word when you’re two-thirds of the way through it?

Third: Den? What sort of den? A den in a house? A fox’s den in the woods?

Fourth: Wit? I have wit, and I am using it to make fun of you, because you are a moron.

Fifth: Dat m usin? What in the fuck language is that?

Sixth, and most important: A blog that covers Facebook IS NOT FACEBOOK. You want a new password? I have one for you: Type “I am a jerkoff” 100 times and see what happens.

Categories: humor, sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

Blame Canada for the latest installment of email stupidity

And the email stupidity continues: This gem comes from New Brunswick, where, the last time I checked, they spoke English, but apparently not well enough to determine the difference between Facebook and a blog that covers Facebook. As always, the nonsense below is completely unedited.

IM BLOCKED AGAIN????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WTF IS GOING ON????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For re-arranging my GD WALL?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   this is the THIRD OR FORTH time in the last month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went a GD YEAR without a problem!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Send me a GD LAND-LINE option NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

WTF?!

Where do I start?

First off, if you can’t tell the difference between Facebook and a blog, you’re an idiot who doesn’t deserve to be on Facebook.

Second, despite the fact that I cover Facebook for a living, I am not a Facebook apologist, and I recognize the company’s faults, of which there are many, along with its accomplishments. That being said, who does this tool think he is making demands of Facebook?

Facebook is free, and if people don’t like it, they are free to leave. With 1 billion users on the not-too-distant horizon, you won’t be missed. Plus, being on Facebook is not a God-given right or a legal right. Settle the fuck down.

I’ll send you a “GD LAND-LINE option NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Just go to your mailbox, stick your head inside it, and wait. Moron.

Categories: sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

Another day, another dolt

The text box with the tips email for the blog I work on says, “Send us a tip.” It doesn’t say, “Please come to us for Facebook technical support.” Nor does it say, “We are Facebook. Email us, and we will solve all your problems and send over a case of beer for your troubles.” Yet emails dripping with stupidity continue to swim through the broadband pipes and into my inbox.

Here is the latest gem, unedited except for removing names and email addresses.

WHY?

I don’t know. You tell me.

I certainly hope that this email gets to a real live human being at Facebook.

Well, maybe actually contacting Facebook would be a step in the right direction, ass hat. We are not Facebook. We are a blog that covers Facebook.

I, like many Facebook Enthusiasts, have two or more Email address..  One is for personal use and the other for business.  You have had my PERSONAL ADDRESS FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS – as it is my personal address.

I also have two or more Email address. Maybe we should date.

I’ve kept my business address to myself – because my boss does not permit anyone to use a company email address for non-business purposes.  Why?  I neither know nor care.  It does seem prudent however.

Someone hired you? Great Caesar’s Ghost!

Somehow Facebook accidentally found out my business Email address.

Somehow, as in, you probably did something stupid. Facebook is closing in on 1 billion users and getting ready to go public. I’m sure snooping for users’ secondary email addresses is not on the to-do list in Menlo Park.

Since this happened Facebook has sent me NUMEROUS EMAILS TELLING ME TO USE WHAT IS, IN FACT, MY BUSINESS ADDRESS.  ALL OF MY PLEAS TO CONTINUE USING MY PERSONAL GMAIL ADDRESS HAVE GONE UNANSWERED.

Well, that sucks, and I can’t really think of an explanation, but what do you expect me to do about it? Pick up my red phone that gives me instant access to Zuck?

I really like Facebook and would really like to continue using it – but not at the potential cost of losing my job over it.

Yeah, this is probably the first wise thing you’ve said, because if I were you, I wouldn’t want to run the risk of hoping someone else gets suckered into hiring me, either.

Could you PLEASE find someway to adjust you polices, procedures, operating practices, or whatever to return my personal email address back to me?

Dude, I am not trying to adjust any polices. They carry guns. I could find some way to adjust my personal policies, sure, but making fun of dolts like you is just too enjoyable. As far as adjusting Facebook’s policies, well, that’s slightly above my pay grade.

What the hell is wrong with people? When did, “Send us a tip,” become, “Please allow us to drop everything we’re doing and help you with all of your Facebook difficulties?”

Categories: business, life, sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

Do yourself a favor … save that press release for Monday

As I type this, it’s late on a Friday afternoon, which means that at some point in the next couple of hours, I will most likely receive a press release via email, well after my work day, of minimal to zero importance.

Don’t get me wrong: I am more than willing to do work after-hours or on weekends if news of some importance happens to break. I have never thought of my job as a 9-to-5 (or a 5:30-to-2:30, as it may be). News happens when it happens, and the timing and flow can’t be controlled.

But the key word is “news.”

I would conservatively estimate that 99.9% of the press releases I’ve received late Friday afternoon or over the weekend are of questionable news value at best, or completely useless at worst.

Again, I am not lazy, and while no one wants their evenings or weekends to be disturbed, it’s part of the job when big news breaks.

But the 200th press release about a website that offers cover images for Facebook’s timeline profile is not big news. Nor is the 500th different ad-management platform. And a contest on your Facebook page? Nope … not big news.

I’m sure I speak for most reporters, bloggers, and whatnot when I say that at the end of the work week, our brains are deep-fried. If you’re going to get our attention Friday afternoon or over the winter, you need to kick our asses. So far, you’re not doing it. Not even close.

I even got a press release about a photo contest on a Facebook page at 4 p.m. on the Saturday of President’s Day weekend. Seriously? STOP THE PRESSES! At 4 p.m. on the Saturday of a holiday weekend, Mark Zuckerberg better be selling Facebook, or Sheryl Sandberg better have resigned, or Facebook better have bought its own country, or started charging $20 per month. The chance for Facebook users to win $50 worth of dog food for the best picture of their pooch doesn’t cut it.

I’m not saying that these releases are totally worthless, and I’m not saying I won’t look into them and possibly cover them and write something about them during the week. I’m just saying that it would be smarter to just save them for Monday morning. You may think you’re drawing attention to your news by sending it at 7 p.m. on Friday or noon on Saturday or whenever, but the attention you’re drawing may not be positive.

For the love of God, respect the weekend.

Categories: business, life, technology, venting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Email stupidity goes bilingual

I received yet more email stupidity in the tips box for the blog I write for, and now, it’s bilingual!

tengo bloqueado el facebook help me :(

una pagina alternativa donde lo pueda abrir

¿Qué?

I can’t wait to see how many other languages I can get annoyed in.

Categories: sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

Email stupidity continues to run rampant

The blog I write for is fortunate enough to count among its readership some very intelligent, sharp, bright people, who add to our posts about Facebook with relevant questions and comments that keep the discussion moving. For that, I am incredibly grateful.

Dumb asses ...

However, as grateful as I am for the smart portion of our readership, the not-so-smart portion of our readership makes me wonder why some people were ever allowed to reproduce.

One of the most popular annoying types of emails we receive through our tips or contact us email addresses are from people who simply cannot grasp the concept that we are NOT Facebook: We are a BLOG that covers Facebook.

Maybe it’s me, but no matter what language barriers may exist (and most of these people supposedly speak English, which makes this even scarier), I do not see any possible way that “Send us a tip” can be translated into “Ask us for Facebook technical support.”

Yet we continue to get gems like this one from this past weekend:

I just want to be completely removed from Facebook. Thank you.

I thought I went through the steps but I guess not. Please let me know if what I did, did do that. Thank you.

Well, genius, apparently one of “the steps” didn’t involve, oh, I don’t know, CONTACTING FACEBOOK AND NOT US? It’s a wonder that this person actually managed to sign up for Facebook in the first place. Emails like this make my brain hurt.

A few weeks ago, we got another series of emails from a lovesick fellow from India, who was apparently blocked by the woman he was stalking. His emails ranged from desperation to demanding that we tell him right away who blocked him on Facebook. Um, yeah, we’ll get right on that.

Another favorite type of email from the dopes who think they’re writing to Facebook is people demanding things. “I do not like timeline. Put the old version back right now. Or else.”

Or else WHAT, idiot? If I actually did work for Facebook, I would email this guy anonymously and say: “Listen, moron. You don’t pay one cent for Facebook. You do not have a constitutional or God-given right to be on Facebook. We’ll change whatever we feel like changing, and if you don’t like it, feel free to leave. You won’t be missed, considering the fact that we’re approaching 1 billion users, most of whom are apparently smarter than you are. Have a nice life.”

Our blog does not even remotely look like Facebook, save for using the same blue color. Apparently, the same people who don’t understand the phrase, “Send us a tip,” also have difficulty comprehending, “The unofficial Facebook resource.”

Wow, are some people stupid.

Categories: life, sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

What freaking language is this?

One of the common misconceptions I encounter via my work email address is that people confuse writing for a blog that covers Facebook with providing Facebook technical support. I get all kinds of emails asking how to do certain things on Facebook.

What Samuel L. Jackson said!

I’m not a total hard-ass about it. If the question involves a topic we’ve written about, I will forward the URL of the post. And if I know the answer off the top of my head, and it’s not complicated, I’ll try to respond.

However, if it involves any research on my part, you are shit out of luck. You might have heard of this newfangled doohickey called Google? Yes, believe it or not, they have the Internet on computers now!

But for the love of God, if you have any expectations of help, could you try to write your email in something that remotely resembles English? Look at this crap (obviously unedited):

Hey hw u doin ,

iv jus got a few quiries regardin facebook an thought u may hlp m out ,

but before that i knw u may not b è corect ppl 2 ask bt nevr the les u may knw , how can i extend my wifi siginal over a longer distence (not very long ) without any headaches coud ther b an app or somthin i use iphone & ipod touch .

Oky getn to my quiries bwt fbk scince u are all fbk

hw do i inbox a pic 4rm my in to som ones inbox in fbk , or from my email or photos to an inbox of a fbk acount (i normaly use fbk for iphone

Y is it that fbk kip on askin m to put my location on nomater how many tymz i say cancel evry 20 secondz that screen jus shows up , its so irritating this hapns wen im usin iphone app

Y is it i can no longer c my msgz wen im ofline the way i used to c them befor on my iphone app

Y is it that somtymz no matr hw many tymz i try yo update my status it jus kips sayin cant update , normaly it hapns wen my updates are a little longr but that nevr used to hapn bfr

Y is it somtymz the iphone app jus turnz in to a whyt screen an then i hav to delete it an instal it again

Sory 4 da trobl bt if u can hlp m out on all or any one of these quires id realy apriciate

What the fuck?????????

Categories: life, venting | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

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