technology

Apple announces new iPhone models; I get Apple-related spam

One of the many clever, resourceful spammers out there decided to take advantage of Apple’s announcement of its new iPhone 5S and iPhone 5C by sending the awful attempt at an Apple email forgery below.

But it must be official, since the sending of this email applies when the expiration date of your account happens to term.

What in the fuck?

But it’s from “The Apple Customer Assistance,” so it’s clearly legit.

I hate people.

AppleSpam

Categories: technology, venting | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Email subject lines that make me cringe

I absolutely love working full-time on an established blog, but every job comes with things that make you just shake your head, no matter how content you are overall, and mine is no exception. And the thing that makes me shake my head on a regular basis, often several times daily, is my email inbox.

Me, several times a day, minus the suit and tie

I have posted repeatedly about the emails I get that are in unrecognizable languages, or that come from people who think that a blog that covers Facebook is Facebook, but plenty of contributions in perfect English and (allegedly) targeted specifically toward our blog make me wonder what people are thinking.

When I see the following subject lines, I know a migraine is sure to follow, and I’ll tell you why.

Article, article idea, story, story idea: I have pretty much stopped reading emails that come in with these subject lines. For every 1,000 I get, 999 are completely useless, and I will gladly run the risk of missing the one that isn’t. The vast majority contain stories about topics not even remotely covered by our blog. And the miniscule percentage of emails that do involve Facebook are either stories that state the obvious (This Just In: People Use Facebook To Communicate With Each Other!), ancient news (how to use Facebook’s new timeline, which debuted months ago), or babbling by someone claiming to be a “Facebook expert.” I have been working full-time on a blog about Facebook for nine months, and I still don’t consider myself a Facebook expert, so you are not a Facebook expert, either, just because you helped the flower shop down the block create their page.

Bylined article: These are even better. Instead of writing an article that nobody asked for, how about bringing me a steak and a bottle of wine that nobody asked for? It would be a lot more useful, and tasty, too. Do we run guest posts? Sure, but it makes much more sense to have some communication beforehand. Besides, most of the ones that come in have many of the same issues as the ones described in the last topic, and most have already been published elsewhere.

Is available for comment: Whenever a big Facebook story breaks, we get bombarded with “experts” who are “available for comment” on the news. And in 99.9% of the cases, I have never heard of the person or the company. I would be better off walking around the streets of Hoboken and stopping random strangers to ask their opinion. In some cases, I would be better off interviewing my cats.

These aren’t email subject lines, but since I’m on a roll, here are a couple of tactics that annoy the living hell out of me:

Trying to bullshit a bullshitter: While I already admitted that I don’t consider myself to be a Facebook expert, I do have somewhat of a clue after covering the social network for nine months. When people try tricks like tying together two things that have nothing to do with each other, it gets annoying, and I’m not falling for it. You may have updated your marginal Facebook applications, and it may have coincidentally happened the week before the company’s IPO, but the two have nothing to do with each other, so don’t even try this approach: “In conjunction with Facebook’s IPO, we added the following features to our app.” In conjunction with the Yankees losing to the Braves this afternoon, go fuck yourself.

English as a fourth language: I realize Facebook is a global company, and I am not one of those snobs who thinks every inhabitant of planet Earth should speak English or go drown themselves, but our blog is written in English, by people who speak English, so if you want us to write about your application, you need to find someone to help you describe its features in English. If I don’t understand it, I’m not going to write about it. I don’t expect a press release to read like John Steinbeck, but if it reads like Latka from “Taxi,” I will give up and move on to the next story.

The only bright spot about all of these annoying emails is that when I click open and find something useful, I appreciate it that much more. So the next time you want to send a “story idea” to a blog that covers Facebook, and your story is “How The Brady Bunch Would Have Used Twitter,” walk away from your PC, drive to the nearest store, and buy yourself a clue.

Categories: business, life, sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

Email stupidity is back wit a bang

Apparently not …

I have been very negligent about posting, for one obvious reason and one not-so-obvious reason that I don’t feel like getting into right now, but what better way to make my monumental return than with another edition of email stupidity?

This gem came into my work blog’s tips email account:

Day before yester i got a notification to upgrade my fb since den i cant access my account except wit browser the passwords dat m usin say invalid cant i get new ones to reset

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

First of all, you use a BlackBerry, so you are clearly a moron.

Second: What the hell is yester? Are you too lazy to finish typing a word when you’re two-thirds of the way through it?

Third: Den? What sort of den? A den in a house? A fox’s den in the woods?

Fourth: Wit? I have wit, and I am using it to make fun of you, because you are a moron.

Fifth: Dat m usin? What in the fuck language is that?

Sixth, and most important: A blog that covers Facebook IS NOT FACEBOOK. You want a new password? I have one for you: Type “I am a jerkoff” 100 times and see what happens.

Categories: humor, sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

Blame Canada for the latest installment of email stupidity

And the email stupidity continues: This gem comes from New Brunswick, where, the last time I checked, they spoke English, but apparently not well enough to determine the difference between Facebook and a blog that covers Facebook. As always, the nonsense below is completely unedited.

IM BLOCKED AGAIN????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WTF IS GOING ON????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For re-arranging my GD WALL?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   this is the THIRD OR FORTH time in the last month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went a GD YEAR without a problem!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Send me a GD LAND-LINE option NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

WTF?!

Where do I start?

First off, if you can’t tell the difference between Facebook and a blog, you’re an idiot who doesn’t deserve to be on Facebook.

Second, despite the fact that I cover Facebook for a living, I am not a Facebook apologist, and I recognize the company’s faults, of which there are many, along with its accomplishments. That being said, who does this tool think he is making demands of Facebook?

Facebook is free, and if people don’t like it, they are free to leave. With 1 billion users on the not-too-distant horizon, you won’t be missed. Plus, being on Facebook is not a God-given right or a legal right. Settle the fuck down.

I’ll send you a “GD LAND-LINE option NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Just go to your mailbox, stick your head inside it, and wait. Moron.

Categories: sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

Another day, another dolt

The text box with the tips email for the blog I work on says, “Send us a tip.” It doesn’t say, “Please come to us for Facebook technical support.” Nor does it say, “We are Facebook. Email us, and we will solve all your problems and send over a case of beer for your troubles.” Yet emails dripping with stupidity continue to swim through the broadband pipes and into my inbox.

Here is the latest gem, unedited except for removing names and email addresses.

WHY?

I don’t know. You tell me.

I certainly hope that this email gets to a real live human being at Facebook.

Well, maybe actually contacting Facebook would be a step in the right direction, ass hat. We are not Facebook. We are a blog that covers Facebook.

I, like many Facebook Enthusiasts, have two or more Email address..  One is for personal use and the other for business.  You have had my PERSONAL ADDRESS FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS – as it is my personal address.

I also have two or more Email address. Maybe we should date.

I’ve kept my business address to myself – because my boss does not permit anyone to use a company email address for non-business purposes.  Why?  I neither know nor care.  It does seem prudent however.

Someone hired you? Great Caesar’s Ghost!

Somehow Facebook accidentally found out my business Email address.

Somehow, as in, you probably did something stupid. Facebook is closing in on 1 billion users and getting ready to go public. I’m sure snooping for users’ secondary email addresses is not on the to-do list in Menlo Park.

Since this happened Facebook has sent me NUMEROUS EMAILS TELLING ME TO USE WHAT IS, IN FACT, MY BUSINESS ADDRESS.  ALL OF MY PLEAS TO CONTINUE USING MY PERSONAL GMAIL ADDRESS HAVE GONE UNANSWERED.

Well, that sucks, and I can’t really think of an explanation, but what do you expect me to do about it? Pick up my red phone that gives me instant access to Zuck?

I really like Facebook and would really like to continue using it – but not at the potential cost of losing my job over it.

Yeah, this is probably the first wise thing you’ve said, because if I were you, I wouldn’t want to run the risk of hoping someone else gets suckered into hiring me, either.

Could you PLEASE find someway to adjust you polices, procedures, operating practices, or whatever to return my personal email address back to me?

Dude, I am not trying to adjust any polices. They carry guns. I could find some way to adjust my personal policies, sure, but making fun of dolts like you is just too enjoyable. As far as adjusting Facebook’s policies, well, that’s slightly above my pay grade.

What the hell is wrong with people? When did, “Send us a tip,” become, “Please allow us to drop everything we’re doing and help you with all of your Facebook difficulties?”

Categories: business, life, sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

Do yourself a favor … save that press release for Monday

As I type this, it’s late on a Friday afternoon, which means that at some point in the next couple of hours, I will most likely receive a press release via email, well after my work day, of minimal to zero importance.

Don’t get me wrong: I am more than willing to do work after-hours or on weekends if news of some importance happens to break. I have never thought of my job as a 9-to-5 (or a 5:30-to-2:30, as it may be). News happens when it happens, and the timing and flow can’t be controlled.

But the key word is “news.”

I would conservatively estimate that 99.9% of the press releases I’ve received late Friday afternoon or over the weekend are of questionable news value at best, or completely useless at worst.

Again, I am not lazy, and while no one wants their evenings or weekends to be disturbed, it’s part of the job when big news breaks.

But the 200th press release about a website that offers cover images for Facebook’s timeline profile is not big news. Nor is the 500th different ad-management platform. And a contest on your Facebook page? Nope … not big news.

I’m sure I speak for most reporters, bloggers, and whatnot when I say that at the end of the work week, our brains are deep-fried. If you’re going to get our attention Friday afternoon or over the winter, you need to kick our asses. So far, you’re not doing it. Not even close.

I even got a press release about a photo contest on a Facebook page at 4 p.m. on the Saturday of President’s Day weekend. Seriously? STOP THE PRESSES! At 4 p.m. on the Saturday of a holiday weekend, Mark Zuckerberg better be selling Facebook, or Sheryl Sandberg better have resigned, or Facebook better have bought its own country, or started charging $20 per month. The chance for Facebook users to win $50 worth of dog food for the best picture of their pooch doesn’t cut it.

I’m not saying that these releases are totally worthless, and I’m not saying I won’t look into them and possibly cover them and write something about them during the week. I’m just saying that it would be smarter to just save them for Monday morning. You may think you’re drawing attention to your news by sending it at 7 p.m. on Friday or noon on Saturday or whenever, but the attention you’re drawing may not be positive.

For the love of God, respect the weekend.

Categories: business, life, technology, venting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Email stupidity goes bilingual

I received yet more email stupidity in the tips box for the blog I write for, and now, it’s bilingual!

tengo bloqueado el facebook help me :(

una pagina alternativa donde lo pueda abrir

¿Qué?

I can’t wait to see how many other languages I can get annoyed in.

Categories: sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

Email stupidity continues to run rampant

The blog I write for is fortunate enough to count among its readership some very intelligent, sharp, bright people, who add to our posts about Facebook with relevant questions and comments that keep the discussion moving. For that, I am incredibly grateful.

Dumb asses ...

However, as grateful as I am for the smart portion of our readership, the not-so-smart portion of our readership makes me wonder why some people were ever allowed to reproduce.

One of the most popular annoying types of emails we receive through our tips or contact us email addresses are from people who simply cannot grasp the concept that we are NOT Facebook: We are a BLOG that covers Facebook.

Maybe it’s me, but no matter what language barriers may exist (and most of these people supposedly speak English, which makes this even scarier), I do not see any possible way that “Send us a tip” can be translated into “Ask us for Facebook technical support.”

Yet we continue to get gems like this one from this past weekend:

I just want to be completely removed from Facebook. Thank you.

I thought I went through the steps but I guess not. Please let me know if what I did, did do that. Thank you.

Well, genius, apparently one of “the steps” didn’t involve, oh, I don’t know, CONTACTING FACEBOOK AND NOT US? It’s a wonder that this person actually managed to sign up for Facebook in the first place. Emails like this make my brain hurt.

A few weeks ago, we got another series of emails from a lovesick fellow from India, who was apparently blocked by the woman he was stalking. His emails ranged from desperation to demanding that we tell him right away who blocked him on Facebook. Um, yeah, we’ll get right on that.

Another favorite type of email from the dopes who think they’re writing to Facebook is people demanding things. “I do not like timeline. Put the old version back right now. Or else.”

Or else WHAT, idiot? If I actually did work for Facebook, I would email this guy anonymously and say: “Listen, moron. You don’t pay one cent for Facebook. You do not have a constitutional or God-given right to be on Facebook. We’ll change whatever we feel like changing, and if you don’t like it, feel free to leave. You won’t be missed, considering the fact that we’re approaching 1 billion users, most of whom are apparently smarter than you are. Have a nice life.”

Our blog does not even remotely look like Facebook, save for using the same blue color. Apparently, the same people who don’t understand the phrase, “Send us a tip,” also have difficulty comprehending, “The unofficial Facebook resource.”

Wow, are some people stupid.

Categories: life, sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

Dennis should have stayed out of Spain

Old-school spam is coming back with a vengeance, which does not give me much hope for society, since it means that people are still stupid enough to fall for crap like this (unedited, as always):

I’m sorry for this odd request because it might get to you too urgent but it’s because of the situation of things right now:

I am stuck in Spain with my family. we came here for a short Vacation and got ROBBED last night; Cash, phones and other valuables were stolen. It was crazy and very terrifying. The authorities are not being 100% supportive but the good thing is i still have my passport and flight leaves today but I’m having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won’t let me leave until i settle the bills.

Please I need you to loan me some CASH. I will reimburse you as soon as I’m back home, you have my words

Thanks

Dennis

Well, Dennis, you are shit out of luck for the following reasons:

  • I don’t know anyone named Dennis.
  • Your request got to me too urgent, but I really don’t give a shit.
  • I hope the authorities who bust you for spamming are even less supported. In fact, I hope they taze you until smoke is coming out of your ass.
  • “Having your words” could not possibly mean less to me. The only place your words are going is the spam folder.

For the love of God, people, STOP FALLING FOR SHIT LIKE THIS! If it didn’t still work, these miscreants wouldn’t still be sending it out.

Categories: life, sarcasm, technology, venting | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

When the tiles stop

When I was laid off from my old job a little over three years ago, one of the things that helped me kill time was Scrabble on Facebook. I still play a lot. I’ve taken up Words with Friends, as well, but the competitive bastard in me prefers Scrabble because it keeps win-loss stats.

However, one of the sad things, aside from the fact that my losses still outnumber my victories, is that in the three years-plus that I’ve been playing the game, three people who I knew pretty much exclusively through Scrabble have passed away, with the latest occurring last night.

I actually knew the first person to pass away well before Facebook, from the days when AOL was actually the closest thing we had to a social network, and not just a company for Arianna Huffington to mismanage into the ground. We met in a chat room about sports, and stayed in touch via IM and email, but never actually met, or even spoke on the phone. She had brain cancer, and after it appeared that she had beaten it, the disease came back with a vengeance. I found out because her sister posted it on her Facebook page.

The second happened a few months ago, and I found out the same way, but I have no clue what happened, and I don’t even know if the guy was sick. Other than occasional chit-chat during Scrabble games, we didn’t really interact with each other at all. I was still stunned to learn of his passing, even though I barely knew him.

This morning, I learned about the third Scrabble friend to pass away. He had been battling Crohn’s disease for some time, and was in and out of the hospital, often unnecessarily apologizing when he went days without making a move. Much like the second, I didn’t really know him, other than the same type of in-game chatter, but reading the news this morning still made me pause for a bit.

Death is a strange thing. It always seems to make people stop in their tracks, no matter how remote their connection to the deceased was. Even though I never really knew any of the three people I just wrote about, I hope they are resting easy.

Categories: life, technology | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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