The worst-written spam e-mail of all-time

I would suggest counting the spelling, grammar and plain old language errors in this masterpiece, but there ain’t enough hours in the day for that. Enjoy. Or vomit, as I almost did.

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONITARY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
 
 
Dear Fund Benneficiary,
 
 
Some time ago, your African friends, I mean the people that introduced you to the project approached you and requested you assist them conclude a money transfer deal they had with you, they requested you to assist them by removing the original contractors name , from the bank vetting computer and replacing them with your name and your details in order to make you appear as the rightful beneficiary of this funds. you agreed and they said you will share the money with them as soon as your name appears as the beneficiary.
 
So this is just a clue to show you that we are very investigative and have all details to persecute you, but we shall give you the opportunity to receive the funds and make it clean, since it is coming into our dear country, but if you do not co-operate then we shall take negative actions.
 
Maybe you think, that we are joking , but by the time we start taking actions you would know how serious we are,you do not have his document in your files,if you did the account would not have been freezed. We did not believe this at first , but when we saw the wire we had no option than to contact you. It has come to the attention of our Money Trafficking investigation department, that you have some funds valued at U.S $10.5 Million to your name , The said payment is awaiting adjudication and credited to your name this funds are from Inheritance ‘willed ‘to you from African Bank precisely.
 
With full concern of The F.B.I and the Internal Revenue Service(IRS) wish to remind you of the consequences of remitting such huge sums of money without complying fully with the provisions of the Financial and Allied Matters Decree 5 as amended in sub-section C(6) of 2003, which stipulates that any monitory transaction been done in the United States Of America, must have proper records , which dually guarantees and covers the transaction as legitimate and legally acquired and not criminally or terrorist associated funds. This is due to ongoing terrorist activities/economic crimes on and against the United States of America citizens .
 
 
You are under an observational /Investigation in connection with money laundering.
If your funds comes from a legitimate and legal source ,the proper guidelines for you to recover the right of transaction is for you to provide the DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY SEAL OF TRANSFER (DIST) so that your funds will be legally processed and recorded and accounted for and then finally released to you .
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONEY LAUNDERING DEPARTMENT ) IS HERE to wipe out terrorism , and will stop at no length in doing our duty for the American people .
 
 
You have 48 hours to produce legal proof of the below frozen wired transaction number coded:3456711owned by you , You do not have any rights to recieve this funds if the documented legal wire information is not complete. The very heart of FBI operations lies in our investigations–which serve, as our mission states, ‘to protect and defend the United States against terrorist and foreign intelligence threats and to enforce the criminal laws of the United States.’ We currently have jurisdiction over violations of more than 200 categories of federal law. So you can see that the that we can track you down through Investigative programes.We have your address and the evidence and status of your wired funds, so we can arrest you anytime.
 
 
Note ,the funds are very legal and from a good source, so as a matter of National interest you have to provide the documents to certify the money as clean funds. The funds are inthe Bank Of America right now, and wil be released to you as soon as this document is procured,even if you do not want the funds you still have to obtain the documents to clear your name as, the funds are already here, so the decision is yours.   If you have the document then forward it to us immediately, if you do not have the documents then contact us immediately so that we can advice you on what it will take and where to obtain the documents.
 
Note: that you have just 48 hours to complete this process of national interest.
NOTE:If you failure to produce the above requirement in the next 48 hours, legal action will be taken immediately from our office
 
Sincerely,
 
 
 
Yours In Service.
 
 
 
JOSEPH PERSICHINI JR., ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Federal Bureau Of Investigations

To Jerry Jones: Fire Wade Phillips yesterday

I already wanted Wade Phillips fired as head coach of the Dallas Cowboys before the excuse of a football game that took place in Philadelphia yesterday. Now is there any doubt that this move must be made?

Wade Phillips and Jerry Jones

A team that was 13-3 last year and sent 13 players to the Pro Bowl ended up 9-7 and out of the playoffs. And the complete lack of preparation for the game yesterday — which was a playoff game, for all intents and purposes — was utterly inexcusable.

How do you lose a must-win game 44-6?

How do you commit the same kinds of costly penalties in week 17 of the season that have been killing your team all year?

How do you start a must-win game by kicking the ball out of bounds and giving the Eagles the ball at their 40-yard-line?

How do you look completely flabbergasted against the Eagles’ blitz when all the Eagles have done for years is blitz?

How do the linebackers still not know their responsibilities in week 17?

How does (wide receiver) Roy Williams not know how to run a pattern?

Why has the play calling been painfully predictable?

This team has no discipline and no focus, and that starts with the head coach. The Cowboys had way too much talent to finish 9-7 and miss the playoffs, and someone has to pay. That someone is Wade Phillips, and I wouldn’t mind seeing so-called offensive genius Jason Garrett and defensive coordinator Brian Stewart follow Wade out the door.

Jerry Jones: What are you waiting for? Seriously, what are you waiting for? Does Wade Phillips have pictures of you fondling a sheep? Fire him, now. Then go after Bill Cowher and offer him top dollar and full control. Do you think Bill Cowher would permit the sloppiness that crippled the Cowboys all year? I highly doubt it.

Jerry Jones, it’s time to admit your mistake and end the Wade Phillips error. Now.

Amazon.com has got to be kidding me

The good news: The GPS I ordered as a Hanukkah gift for my girlfriend arrived a couple of days earlier than I expected.

Amazon.com

The bad news: Amazon.com, which is usually meticulous when it comes to packing and shipping, really dropped the ball on this one.

The GPS was shipped in a box measuring 19 inches by 13 inches by 11 ¾ inches. The actual box that the GPS comes in is a six-inch cube.

The larger box did not contain a single molecule of packing cushion, meaning that the six-inch cube basically bounced all over the place for the entirety of its journey. And there was no receipt or packing list.

I know things are crazed during the holiday season, but this was very weak and very uncharacteristic of Amazon.com. I am truly disappointed and praying that the GPS was undamaged, because I really don’t feel like having to deal with returning it.

True holiday spirit

As if Saturday night wasn’t annoying enough for me as a Dallas Cowboys fan, a group of selfish assholes added to the misery of the evening.

The Ravens-Cowboys game was on NFL Network, which is available in approximately seven cable homes in the United States, so I had to go out to a bar to watch it. I went to one of my favorite bars and couldn’t believe the bullshit that went on.

The way the bar is laid out, there’s one small bathroom very close to the entrance to the large back room, but the main restrooms are upstairs, and the stairwell is toward the back of the back room.

A group of about 40 people had the back room reserved for a private party, and they had the gall to complain to management that people were walking through their party to use the bathroom. Well, guess what, jackasses: When people drink, they need to relieve themselves. It’s basic science.

So the bar management actually listened to their foolish complaint and made the upstairs bathrooms off-limits, meaning that the 120 or so people in the front of the bar had to use exactly ONE toilet for three hours, while these 40 assholes had access to a men’s room with four urinals and two stalls and an equally large women’s room.

Anyone who knows Hoboken can probably figure out what bar I’m talking about. I didn’t name it because it happens to be one of my favorite places in town, and I’m always treated well there. This was a poor decision, but by no means am I in “I’m never going back there again” mode.

But to the selfish assholes who complained and forced the bar management into making that poor decision, thanks for showing true holiday spirit and understanding that people need access to bathrooms. Pricks.

Never mind coal in your stockings: I hope you get Ex Lax-laced brownies in your stockings and, immediately upon eating them, rush to the bathroom to find the door padlocked.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Merry Festivus and FUCK YOU.

Wade Phillips must go

Amazingly, despite two painful losses to the Pittsburgh Steelers and Baltimore Ravens over the past three weeks, the Dallas Cowboys still control their playoff destiny. Win Sunday’s game at the hated rival Philadelphia Eagles and they clinch a playoff spot. The season ends with a loss.

Wade Phillips

Regardless of Sunday’s outcome, the only way Wade Phillips should be the head coach next year is if the Cowboys go on a run like last year’s Giants or the Steelers a few years back and win the Super Bowl as a wild card. Anything short of a Lombardi Trophy and he absolutely has to go.

This squad is, for all intents and purposes, the same team that went 13-3 last season and featured 13 Pro Bowl players. There is no excuse to go 10-6 or 9-7, depending on Sunday’s outcome.

Granted, not all 13 of the Pro Bowl bids were deserved. As much as I personally like the guy, Roy Williams (the safety, not the recently acquired wide receiver) belonged in the Pro Bowl last year about as much as my fat ass did. But that’s not the point.

The same frustrating, unnecessary mistakes have continued to dog this team all season, along with a shocking lack of discipline.

Being among the league leaders in penalties is inexcusable. Even more inexcusable: the number of completely avoidable and silly penalties — false starts, lining up offsides, illegal formations. This team has zero discipline, and the finger must be pointed squarely at the head coach.

There is clearly zero accountability on this team. I’m not saying the head coach has to explode at every little mistake. But when you have one guy, Flozell Adams, averaging one penalty per game over two seasons, something is very, very wrong. There is absolutely no fear of reprisal.

I’m also not saying the head coach has to berate officials after every call that goes against his team. As the old saying goes, the refs aren’t going to change the call. But how about showing some emotion and letting your players see that you have their back? There was a highly, highly questionable personal foul call in Saturday night’s game against Baltimore that kept a Ravens drive alive, and when the camera focused on Wade, he was just standing there, completely passive, with no fight or emotion whatsoever. Absolutely inexcusable.

Injuries are no excuse, either. Sure, the Cowboys lost Tony Romo for three games and only had explosive rookie running back Felix Jones for a handful of contests, but the Cowboys’ injury issues were no worse than those of any other team.

The bottom line is that this was a Super Bowl-caliber team crippled by mistakes, and the finger (specifically the one in the middle) must be pointed at one man if this squad doesn’t rally and win the Lombardi Trophy.

Unemployment Nine: One day?

OK, seriously, can I manage to get through just one day without hearing about another company in the media, publishing or Internet industries laying off people, or another friend losing their job? Just one day?

Where’s my bailout? Fuck AIG, GM, Ford and Chrysler.

Unemployment Nine: When a nanny is a journalist

In one of my many sweeps through several job sites today, I learned something interesting. Apparently, according to CareerBuilder.com, a nanny is a journalist.

Nanny

I found the following ad under the Media/Journalism/Newspapers category:

Weekend Live-In French Nanny, $850/week: NYC family seeks a weekend live-in Nanny to take care of their 2 children. 12 year old girl and 6 year old boy. Friday 4pm-Monday 10am. Must be fluent in French, English and have a 4 year College Degree. General childcare, teaching, tutoring and traveling domestically and internationally. Prior experience working as a nanny in a private residence only.

Um, OK.

Douchebaggery at its finest

I have a confession: I’ve developed a serious addiction since being laid off in early October. My addiction isn’t alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine or drugs: It’s Facebook Scrabble.

It’s a good way to kill time between surfing the Web for jobs to apply to, and it’s helped to keep my brain and vocabulary sharp. I find it funny that I’m addicted to Facebook Scrabble while I’ve only played the traditional board game a handful of times.

This morning, however, I encountered a person who needs to be on the receiving end of a savage beating.

I started a public game, meaning any random Facebook user looking for a Scrabble game could sign on as my opponent. I then checked my e-mail and read two stories on ESPN.com, which took all of three or four minutes. Upon returning to Facebook and the Scrabble game, the jackass who had signed up to play me quit the game after playing one turn and left me this nasty instant message: “Here’s an idea: When you start a game, how about being around to play it?”

Well, douchebag, here’s an idea: Why don’t you get over yourself and not get all snippety over a game of Scrabble?

I really hate people.

Unemployment Nine: What part of ‘unemployed’ don’t you understand?

I just ended an exceptionally annoying phone call, which says a lot because the list of annoying phone calls has been pretty long this week.

D'OH!!!!!!!!!

I never answer the phone if I don’t recognize the number on caller ID, especially if it just says “out of area.” But since being laid off, I’ve missed a couple of job-related phone calls because of that screening, so I decided to temporarily answer every call. What a mistake.

It was a fund-raising call. I won’t name the organization because I have quite a lot of respect for it and, under normal (employed) circumstances, would have gladly donated something. I sympathize with phone solicitors because I know they’re just doing their jobs and they’re likely under significant pressure.

But despite being told on several occasions that I’m unemployed and don’t have any money to spare right now, this person simply refused to let up. As I said, I respect the organization, so I really, really tried to curb my temper, and I asked them to mail or e-mail information, promising to follow up once I’m hired somewhere.

Patience only lasts so long, though. After about the seventh time of hearing the exact same pitch, I finally said, “Look, I’m unemployed. I have no extra money right now. Which part of unemployed don’t you understand? I have to go now.”

I don’t like hanging up on people, but this was necessary. Again, I realize that being persistent is part of this person’s job, but unemployed means unemployed and no means no. I’m seriously considering screening my calls again, which is a shame.

My response to VirusResponse Lab 2009

Disclaimer: In the interest of not wasting anyone’s time, if you’re looking for a way to remove VirusResponse Lab 2009 from your PC, I can’t help you. I ended up overwriting my C drive with a month-old backed-up version of it. Now, on to my rant.

I have the perfect punishment for people who create computer viruses. It’s not the chair (although that’s tempting), or prison time, or banishment from the Internet (although that’s not a bad idea, either). It’s much more primitive.

From now on, anyone found to have created a computer virus should be subject to being punched in the face once by every single person affected by the virus. After my experience of this afternoon and evening, I’d pay my own way to the beating.

I was on Facebook and got a message in my Facebook inbox from a friend of mine. It sounded a little weird — something about a hidden camera — but I stupidly opened it anyway. I became more suspicious when it prompted me to download an update to Flash and quit out of it, but the damage was done, although I didn’t realize it right away.

A few minutes later, I got another message in my inbox from a different friend, jokingly admonishing me for sending her spam via Facebook. I hadn’t sent anyone a message via Facebook in the past 24 hours, and hadn’t sent her one in weeks, so the alarm bells really started to go off.

Long story short: The virus installed software on my PC called VirusResponse Lab 2009, which was impossible to get rid of and, the more I tried to remove it, the more useless my PC became, to the point where I wasn’t able to open Internet Explorer, or even Notepad. I booted up my laptop, which was unaffected, and found some online fixes, but they were useless with Explorer unable to function.

I wish I had a better answer of how to combat this virus, but I ended up giving up after four hours and replacing my current C drive with the backed up version I created about one month ago (I use software called Drive Image to create a mirror image of my hard drive). So I suffered no harm, other than four hours of frustration and stress, along with a few people who probably think I actually sent them this damn virus.

What I don’t understand is why creating viruses is fun for anyone. Not that I’m saying I want this to happen, but I can almost understand creating malicious software that steals personal information and passwords, because of the potential for easy money. But what does someone gain from destroying the computers of others?

Is it really that important to gain credibility among the community of geeks and nerds that hack computers, create viruses and otherwise do nothing to benefit the planet? Is that what this is all about? Get a life, seriously.

Think about my punishment and how satisfying it would be to walk up to the person who just cost you four hours of valuable time, rear back and clock them in the jaw. I know it’ll never happen, but one can dream.

So, to the creator of VirusResponse Lab 2009: Get a life, you useless fucking geek.