This blog inspired by beer

Pearls Before Swine, by Stephan Pastis, has been one of my favorite daily comic strips since the Daily News picked it up. And today’s installment was a masterpiece.

Continuing with the theme of the Rat character modeling his life and writing career after that of Ernest Hemingway, well, it just makes me want to have a beer.

In fact, I may never blog sober again!

Pearls Before Swine 8/21/08

Flat rat

Anyone who’s spent any time in Manhattan has probably seen the giant inflatable rat unions bring out when they’re protesting the use of nonunion labor.

Inflatable Rat

Well, the big fella was right outside a deli near my office this afternoon, in all of its splendor.

And in the two minutes (if it was even that long) that it took me to walk about 30 feet into the deli, grab a Coke Zero out of the cooler (I’m usually a Diet Pepsi fan, but I’ve gotten a little hooked on Coke Zero), wait for the person in front of me to pay for their food, pay for my soda and walk out the door, the rat went completely flat.

It wasn’t the act of a vengeful scab or an over-aggressive cat — just the end of the protest.

But I couldn’t believe how quickly the organizers were able to deflate the rat. I swear, two minutes is the absolute most time I could have spent in the deli.

And I can’t believe how quiet the process was. Both doors to the deli were open, and I never heard any kind of unusual noise. Yet when I exited, Coke Zero in hand, the rat was flat as a rug. How could all that air have been released with nary a peep?

Maybe I should have paid more attention in my science classes.

Hoboken University curriculum

As Hoboken residents already know, the one hospital in town, St. Mary’s (or St. Scary’s to the locals), recently became Hoboken University Medical Center. This has always been a source of amusement for my girlfriend and I, since there is no such thing as Hoboken University.

College

But it got me thinking: What if there was a Hoboken University? What sorts of classes would it offer? I especially wondered about classes with a local flavor, aside from the usual science, math, English, etc.

So, I present to you, some of the local highlights of the Hoboken University curriculum.

Driving in Hoboken: Learn the finer points of stopping at stop signs for no reason when you have the right of way and completely ignoring them when they apply to you. Boost your average speed up to as high as 50 miles per hour while driving down narrow residential streets, with no care about the possibility of harming children or animals. Hold your cell phone in your hand despite the law against it and ignore everything around you.

Parking in Hoboken: A refresher course on how to park your vehicle, including being sure to park your stadium-sized SUV as close to the corner as possible so passing motorists have no clue if any traffic is coming down the street, as well as pinning already-parked cars in and leaving mere inches between them and the vehicles on either side of them.

Being female in Hoboken: A guide to how to manage enough baggage to fill the conveyor belt at Newark Liberty International Airport, with a special focus on how to not tell the guy you’re dating what you want, yet how to tell all of your friends about his “shortcomings.” Also, for extra credit, how to whine to everyone that all you want is to meet a “nice guy,” while blowing off many males who fit that description to date douchebags.

Apartment-hunting in Hoboken: Learn the true meaning of phrases including: deluxe, spacious, airy, close to transportation, charming and quaint. Also learn that just because a room is called a bedroom, that doesn’t necessarily mean a bed will be able to fit inside of it.

Hoboken, the Lost City (summer only): Examine the ruins of an abandoned city every weekend from Memorial Day-Labor Day. This course is also available on major holidays, including Thanksgiving and Christmas.

The Amazing Race – Hoboken: Learn how to get home despite major Holland Tunnel traffic, PATH derailments and all-around anarchy.

Hoboken economics: Follow the demise of mom-and-pop, family-run stores and neighborhood bars and the takeover by large retail chains, banks, real estate offices and nail salons.

Hoboken aquatics: Learn how to navigate Hoboken by watercraft, scuba gear or good old-fashioned swimming following a water-main break or any rainfall lasting more than six minutes.

Hoboken politics: No longer being offered, as the subject matter became far too laughable.

Hoboken SWAT Team 101: Learn the proper way to hand your weapon to a Hooters waitress and the best angles for being photographed with them.

Remember: A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

The musical gods are with me this week

The gods of music have been kind to me all week.

First, I saw three incredible shows by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, with the last one, Thursday night, incredible beyond words.

Then, while out at happy hour at the Shell on Long Beach Island yesterday, a brief rain shower chased Monte and the All-Stars off the stage before they could butcher Rosalita. What they do to that song should be illegal. Two minutes of raindrops saved me from eight minutes of suffering.

Finally, I was way too tired to go out last night, and I missed out on a pretty good band, Laura Lea & Tripp Fabulous. But I’m happy I missed out on their cover of Mr. Jones by Counting Crows. As much as I like Laura Lea’s voice, that song is awful, brutal, hideous, whiny, irritating and foul beyond saving by anyone.

Thank you, gods of music.

The Legendary E Street Band

Thursday, July 31, 2008: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band at Giants Stadium. It didn’t start out promising.

It was a stressful day at work, even though I worked from home. Unlike some people’s definition of working from home — sitting by the pool and sipping on a tropical drink while their dog answers their e-mail — I do a ton of work when I’m at home. You have to love people who e-mail you stuff to do at 5:44 and 5:45 when you expressly state that you need to be in your car at 5:45.

Bruce Springsteen and Little Stevie, Giants Stadium, 7/31/08

While scrambling to get everything done, the phone didn’t stop ringing. “What time should I be there?” “What’s the weather going to be like?” “Should I pick up food?” “Did you get beer?” “What do you want on your sandwich?” All legitimate questions, but constantly being on the phone wasn’t helping the stress level.

And for the record, asking me if I got beer is among the silliest possible questions. If I could get away with it, I’d pick up a 40 for the walk to the PATH every morning.

Then an e-mail came in from TicketBastard warning me that a truck overturned on the exit from the New Jersey Turnpike to the Meadowlands. I guess it’s TicketBastard’s way of justifying the $18 “service charge” they tack on to every ticket. So the thought of every possible approach to Giants Stadium becoming a vehicular clusterfuck wasn’t helping the stress level, either.

Getting there and parking actually wasn’t as bad as I feared, and I thought things were going really well when I got a call from my friend and his wife that they were parked, too. The problem is that they were “parked” on Route 17, which wasn’t moving at all.

But everyone finally got there and, despite our abbreviated tailgating time, sandwiches and beer were consumed (several beers by yours truly) and we were in our seats well before 8:45, which is when the first two shows on Sunday and Monday nights began. (Yes, I went to all three. Yes, I am aware that I have a problem. No, I don’t give a shit. Yes, I’d do it again.)

Well, the first two shows started around 8:45. Thursday’s third and final concert, however, did not. I guess Springsteen and company were waiting for people to get through the traffic. Rather than cooling off as the minutes ticked away, the temperature inside the stadium continued to rise, as did the impatience level. I sweat completely through two layers (Under Armour and my Rosalita T-shirt).

Sounds like a completely awful, stressful, grueling experience, doesn’t it?

WRONG!

Jersey Girl, Giants Stadium, 7/31/08

That was, by far, the best Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band show I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen many and several (probably around 15, but senility and beer-murdered brain cells prevent an exact count). They played from 9:30 until 12:45 a.m. and emptied the old-school Springsteen playbook. The energy level was incredible, both by the band and the crowd. This show even topped the 10th and final show of the 2003 run at Giants Stadium, and that was no easy task, trust me.

I mean, seriously: Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out, Prove It All Night, Two Hearts, The Promised Land, Spirit in the Night, Blinded by the Light, Cadillac Ranch, Candy’s Room, Night, Because the Night, She’s the One, Incident on 57th Street, Badlands (I know, he always plays it, but still), Jungleland, Born to Run (see Badlands), Jersey Girl and Rosalita in the same show? Are you kidding me? Wow. The last two songs alone were worth the $95 (plus TicketBastard charges).

Ladies and gentlemen, I was just rocked by the heart-stopping, pants-dropping, hard-rocking, booty-shaking, earth-quaking, nerve-breaking, Viagra-taking history-making, legendary … E-STREET BAND!

The set list, courtesy of Backstreets.com (http://www.backstreets.com/setlists.html):

Summertime Blues

Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out

Radio Nowhere

Prove It All Night

Two Hearts

The Promised Land

Spirit in the Night

Light of Day

Brilliant Disguise

Pretty Flamingo

Blinded by the Light

Cadillac Ranch

Candy’s Room

Night

Because the Night

She’s the One

Livin’ in the Future

Mary’s Place

Incident on 57th Street

The Rising

Last to Die

Long Walk Home

Badlands

* * *

Jungleland

Born to Run

Bobby Jean

Dancing in the Dark

American Land

Jersey Girl

Rosalita